Redneck Etiquette

"Redneck Etiquette"

- Redneck Driving Etiquette -

Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is
loaded and the deer is in sight.

When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires
always has the right of way.

Never tow another car using pantyhose and duct tape.

When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to
ask her to bring back beer.

Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.

Do not remove the seats from the car so that all your kids can fit in.

Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

- Redneck Personal Hygiene -

Unlike clothes and shoes, a toothbrush should never be a hand-me-down
item.

If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.

While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be
done in private using one's OWN truck keys.

Plucking unwanted nose hair is time-consuming work. A cigarette
lighter and a small tolerance for pain can accomplish the same goal
and save hours. Note: It's a good idea to keep a bucket of water
handy when using this method.

- Redneck Dining Out -

Remember to leave a generous tip for good service. After all, their
mobile home costs just as much as yours.

- Redneck Entertaining in Your Home -

A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a
taxidermist.

Do not allow the dog to eat at the table . . . no matter how good his
manners are.

If your dog falls in love with a guest's leg, have the decency to
leave them alone for a few minutes.

- Redneck Dating (Outside the Family) -

Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.

Be aggressive. Let her know you are interested: "I've been wanting
to go out with you since I read that stuff on the men's bathroom wall
two years ago."

If a girl's name does not appear regularly on a bathroom wall, water
tower, or an overpass, odds are good that the date will end in
frustration.

- Redneck Theater Etiquette -

Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately
after the movie has ended.

Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven
they can't hear you.

- Redneck Wedding Etiquette -

Livestock is usually a poor choice for a wedding gift.

It's not OK for the groom to bring a date to the wedding.

When dancing, never remove undergarments, no matter how hot it is.

A bridal veil made of window screen is not only cost effective but
also a proven fly deterrent.

For the groom, at least rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund
and a clean bowling shirt can create a natty appearance. Though
uncomfortable, say yes to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

- Redneck Etiquette for All Occasions -

Never take a beer to a job interview or ask if they press charges.

Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.

Always say "Excuse me" after getting sick in someone else's car.

It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.

Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it's
considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to funeral home.

The socially refined never fish coins out of public toilets,
especially if other people are around.

Always provide an alibi to the police for family members.
Received on Sun Nov 7 02:16:03 2004