A Letter To My Dogs

"A Letter To My Dogs"

Dear Dogs,

When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not
switch positions with each other so there are still two
dogs in the way.

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your
food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food.
Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate
and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food
and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the
slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a
racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object.
Tripping me doesn't help, because I fall faster than you
can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very
sorry about this. Do not think I will continue to sleep on the
couch to ensure your comfort. Look at videos of dogs sleeping,
they can actually curl up in a ball. It is not necessary to sleep
perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent
possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having
tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used is
nothing but doggy sarcasm.

My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom.
If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door
shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, try to turn the knob, or
get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I
must exit through the same door I entered. In addition, I have
been using bathrooms for years, canine attendance is not
mandatory.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dogs butt.
I cannot stress this enough. It would be such a simple change
for you.

**************************************

"Rules For Non Pet Owners Who Visit And Like To
        Complain About Our Pets"

1. The dog/cat lives here. You don't.

2. If you don't want dog/cat hair on your clothes, stay off
the furniture.

3. I like my dog/cat a lot better than I like most people.

4. To you, she's a dog/cat. To me, she's an adopted
daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and
doesn't speak clearly.

5. Dogs/cats are better than kids. They eat less, don't ask
for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when
called, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug-using
friends, don't smoke or drink, don't worry about buying the
latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, don't need a gazillion
dollars for college, and if they get pregnant, you can sell the
pups/kittens.

The same applies to cats, except they ignore you until you
are asleep. Then they walk on you.
Received on Wed May 19 12:02:49 2004