Subject: The Homeowner's Guide To Tools
From: Unicorn (unicorn@indenial.com)
Date: Mon Jun 23 2003 - 14:58:37 EDT
"The Homeowner's Guide To Tools"
Hammer - In ancient times a hammer was used
to inflict pain on one's enemies. Modern hammers
are used to inflict pain on oneself.
Screwdriver - The drink ordered at the local bar
after you call in a professional repairman to undo
the $500 in damage you did while trying to change
out a light socket with your handy screwdriver.
Phillips Screwdriver - The bar drink that you order
when the damage estimate is over $1,000.
Contains twice the vodka.
Pliers - A device used to extend your reach the
necessary few inches when you drop a one-of-a-kind
screw down behind the new wall it took you two weeks
to install.
Multi-Pliers - Contain a handy assortment of sharp
and dangerous tools. Best left in its leather sheath
and worn on a homeowner's belt to increase
testosterone levels.
Electronic Stud Finder - An annoying device that
never goes off when you point it at yourself.
Halogen Light - A work light that lights up your
backyard with the incandescence of a football
stadium, causing you to cast a heavy shadow over
the area you're working on so that you need to use
a flashlight anyway.
Cordless Drill - A device that lessens your chance
of electrocution 90% over a standard plug-in tool.
Cordless Telephone - The handyman's 911.
Air Compressor - A mechanical device similar in
principle to harnessing the power of your mother-in-
law's nagging complaints and using the resulting
airflow to blast old paint off the side of the house.
Chain saw - Allows you to cut your way out of the
shed that you accidentally built completely around
yourself.
Vise Grips - A pair of helping hands that doesn't
critique the job you're doing or offer advice.
This archive was generated by hypermail 2b28 : Tue Jul 01 2003 - 00:00:02 EDT