Subject: Are You Ready to Have a Baby?
From: Unicorn (unicorn@indenial.com)
Date: Wed Mar 06 2002 - 07:17:13 EST
"Are You Ready to Have a Baby?"
MESS TEST
Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Now
rub your hands in the wet flower bed and rub on the
walls. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave
it there all summer. Obtain a 55-gallon box of Legos.
(If Legos are not available, you may substitute roofing
tacks or broken bottles.) Have a friend spread them
all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to
the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream (this could
wake a child at night).
GROCERY STORE TEST
Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and
take them with you as you shop at the grocery store.
Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they
eat or damage.
DRESSING TEST
Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a
small net bag making sure that all arms stay inside.
FEEDING TEST
Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water.
Suspend from the ceiling with a stout cord. Start the
jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal
(such as Fruit Loops or Cheerios) into the mouth of
the jug while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump
the contents of the jug on the floor.
NIGHT TEST
Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8
to 12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At
8:00 PM begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00
PM. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00
PM. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you
have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and
sing these too until 4:00 AM. Set alarm for 5:00 AM.
Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years.
Look cheerful.
PHYSICAL TEST
Obtain a large bean-bag chair and attach it to the front
of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now
remove 10% of the beans. Purchase a newspaper.
Go home and read it quietly for the last time.
FINAL ASSIGNMENT
Find a couple who already have a small child. Lecture
them on how they can improve their child's discipline,
patience, tolerance, toilet training, and table manners.
Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to
them that they should never allow their children to run
wild. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you
will have all the answers.
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