Subject: Rules of Etiquette for Inexperienced Cat
From: Unicorn (unicorn@indenial.com)
Date: Fri Dec 07 2001 - 07:42:24 EST
"Rules of Etiquette for Inexperienced Cats"
If you have to throw up, get into a chair quickly.
If you cannot manage this in time, get to an
Oriental rug. Shag is good!
Determine quickly which guest hates cats. Sit
on that lap during the evening.
He won't dare push you off and will even call
you "nice kitty." If you can arrange to have cat
food on your breath, so much the better.
For sitting on laps or rubbing against trouser
legs, select colors contrast with your own.
Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It
is not necessary to do which anything. Just sit
and stare.
For guests who say, "I love kitties," be ready with
aloof disdain, claws applied to stockings or a
quick nip on the ankles.
Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get one
open, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws.
Once the door is opened for you, it is not necessary
to use it. You can change your mind.
When you have ordered an outside door opened,
stand half in and half out and think about several
things. This is particularly important during very
cold weather or mosquito season.
If one person is busy and the other is idle, sit with
the busy one.
For book readers, get in close under the chin, unless
you can lie across the book itself.
For ladies knitting, curl quietly into lap and pretend to
dose. Then reach out and slap knitting needles sharply.
This is what she calls a dropped stitch. She will try to
distract you. Ignore it.
For people doing homework, sit on the paper being
worked on. After being removed for the second time,
push anything movable off the table -- pens, pencils,
stamps -- one at a time.
For people working on computers, walk repeatedly
across the keyboard or lie on top of the monitor with
your tail twitching in front of it.
Hide in the most hard-to-reach places at the first sight
of the pet basket.
Get enough sleep during the daytime so that you are
fresh for playing at night between 2 & 4 a.m.
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