Subject: Alcohol Warning Labels We SHOULD See
From: Unicorn (unicorn@indenial.com)
Date: Mon Jan 31 2000 - 04:13:45 EST
"Alcohol Warning Labels We SHOULD See"
1. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may
cause you to wake up with breath that could
knock a buzzard off a garbage truck at 100 yards.
2. WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a
major factor in dancing like a jerk.
3. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may
cause you to tell the same boring story over
and over again until your friends want to
SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.
4. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may
cause you to thay shings like thish.
5. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may
cause you to tell the boss what you REALLY
think while photocopying your butt at the
office Christmas party.
6. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may
lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really
dying for you to telephone them at four in the
morning.
7. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may
leave you wondering what ever happened
to your pants anyway.
8. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may
cause you to roll over in the morning and
see something really scary (whose species
and/or name you can't remember).
9. WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the
leading cause of inexplicable rug burn on the
forehead.
10. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may
create the illusion that you are tougher,
handsomer and smarter than some really,
really big guy named "Psycho."
11. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may
lead you to believe you're invisible (or
invincible).
12. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may
lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
**************************************************
"You Know You've Had Too Much
Holiday Cheer When...."
1. You notice your tie sticking out of your fly.
2. Someone uses your tongue for a coaster.
3. You start kissing the portraits on the wall.
4. You see your underwear hanging from the chandelier.
5. You have to hold on to the floor to keep from sliding off.
6. You strike a match and light your nose.
7. You take off your shoes and wade in the potato salad.
8. You hear someone say, "Call a priest!"
9. You hear a duck quacking, and it's you.
10. You complain about the small bathroom after
emerging from the closet.
11. You refill your glass from the fish bowl.
12. You tell everyone you have to go home... and the
party's at your place.
13. You ask for another ice cube and put it in your pocket.
14. You yawn at the biggest bore in the room... and
realize you're in front of the hall mirror.
15. You pick up a roll, and butter your watch.
16. You suggest everyone stand and sing the national
budget.
18. You're at the dinner table and you ask the hostess
to pass a bedpan.
19. You take out your handkerchief and blow your ear.
20. You tell your best joke to the rubber plant.
21. You realize you're the only one under the coffee table.
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