Subject: Drinking Guide for the Holidays
From: Unicorn (unicorn@indenial.com)
Date: Mon Jan 31 2000 - 04:09:20 EST
"Pocket"
It's New Year's Eve. Kelly walks into a bar and
orders beer and a shot of whiskey. The bartender
gives him a beer and a shot of whiskey. Kelly
drinks his beer and pours the shot of whiskey
into his shirt pocket. Kelly orders another beer
and another shot of whiskey. Kelly drinks the
beer and pours the shot of whiskey into his
pocket.
The bartender says, "Look, Mac, it's New Year's
Eve, and I know we're both depressed, and I
certainly don't mean to bug you, but my curiosity
is "killing" me. Why do you keep pouring the
shots in your pocket?" Kelly says, "It's none of
your damn business! And if you be givin' me a
hard time, I'll be breaking your bloody face!"
At this time, a little mouse pops out of Kelly's
shirt pocket and says, "And that goes for your
cat , too!"
******************************************************
"Drinking Guide for the Holidays"
SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points
toward ceiling.
SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with
fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself lashed to bar.
SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.
SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt
is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to
wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.
SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain
about her house training.
SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of
empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to
another bar.
SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.
SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful
aspect and textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded
personal limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth
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