Subject: Lovable Louise
From: Unicorn (unicorn@indenial.com)
Date: Sat Jan 29 2000 - 03:49:08 EST
"A Christmas Story: Lovable Louise"
As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose
over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he
wanted was for Santa to fill them.
What they say about Santa checking the list twice must
be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's
kids' stockings were overflowed, his poor panty hose hung
sadly empty and grew increasingly threadbare.
One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on
sunglasses and a fake beard and went in search of an
inflatable love doll.
Of course, they don't sell those things at Walmart. I had
to go to an adult bookstore downtown. If you've never been
in an X-rated store, don't go. You'll only confuse yourself.
I was there almost three hours saying things like,
"What does this do?"
"You're kidding me!"
"Who owns that?"
"Do you have their phone number?"
Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section.
I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll suitable
for a night of romance that could also substitute as a
passenger in my car so I could use the car pool lane
during rush hour.
I'm not sure what a complicated doll is. Perhaps one
that is subject to wild mood shifts and using a French
accent for no reason at all. (That also describes a few
ex-boyfriends.)
Finding what I wanted was difficult. Love dolls come
in many different models.
The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could
do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I
figured the "vibro-motion" was a feature Jay could live
without, so I settled for Lovable Louise. She was at the
bottom of the price scale. To call Louise a "doll" took a
huge leap of imagination.
On Christmas Eve, with the help of an old bicycle pump,
Louise came to life. My sister-in-law was in on the plan
and cleverly left the front door key hidden under the mat.
In the wee morning hours, long after Santa had come and
gone, I snuck into the house and filled the dangling panty
hose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some
cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a
nearby tray.
Then I let myself out, went home, and giggled for a couple
of hours.
The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had
been to his house and left a present that had made him
VERY happy but had left the dog confused. He would bark,
start to walk away, then come back and bark some more.
I suggested he purchase an inflatable Lassie to set Rover
straight.
We also agreed that Louise should remain in her panty
hose so the rest of the family could admire her when they
came over for the traditional Christmas dinner.
It seemed like a great idea, except that we forgot that
Grandma and Grandpa would be there. My grandmother
noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door.
"What the hell is that?" she asked.
My brother quickly explained. "It's a doll."
"Who would play with something like that?" Granny snapped.
I had several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut.
"Where are her clothes?" Granny continued.
I hadn't seen any in the box, but I kept this information to
myself.
"Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran," Jay said, trying
to steer her into the dining room.
But Granny was relentless.
"Why doesn't she have any teeth?"
Again, I could have answered, but why would I?
It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of
the ambulance saying, "Hang on Granny, Hang on!"
My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight,
sidled up to me and said," Hey, who's the naked gal by
the fireplace?" I told him she was Jay's friend. A few
minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to
Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that
we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.
The dinner went well.
We made the usual small talk about who had died, who
was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise
made a noise that sounded a lot like my father in the
bathroom in the morning.
Then she lurched from the panty hose, flew around the
room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa.
The cat screamed, I passed cranberry sauce through my
nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees,
and began administering mouth to mouth resuscitation.
My brother wet his pants and Granny threw down her napkin,
stomped out of the room, and sat in the car.
It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.
Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough
examination to decide the cause of Louise's collapse.
We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember
to the back of her right thigh. Fortunately, thanks to a wonder
drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health.
Louise went on to star in several bachelor party movies. I think
Grandpa still calls her whenever he can get out of the house.
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