Subject: A Letter of Apology
From: Unicorn (unicorn@indenial.com)
Date: Tue Feb 01 2000 - 08:20:40 EST
"A Letter of Apology"
When I came into the office this morning, I noticed
a sort of general feeling of unfriendliness, and
since several of you have called me a "dirty son
of a bitch" to my face, I knew I must have done
something wrong at the office New Years Party.
The Office Manager called me from the hospital
today and as this is my last day, I'd like to take this
way of apologizing to all of you. I would prefer
speaking to everyone personally, but all of you
seem to go deaf and dumb whenever I try to talk
to you.
First, to our dear and beloved boss, I am sorry for
all the things I called you Friday afternoon. I'm
very much aware that your father is not a baboon,
nor your mother a Chinese whore. Your wife is a
delightful woman, and my story of you buying her
for 50 cents in Tijuana was strictly a figment of my
imagination. Your children are undoubtedly yours,
too. About the water cooler incident, you'll never
know how badly I feel about it, and I hope you didn't
hurt your head when they were trying to get the
glass jug off.
To Mary, I express my deepest regrets. In my own
defense, I must remind you that you seemed to
enjoy our little escapade on the stairway as much
as I did until the bannister broke and we fell eight
feet to the second floor landing. In spite of the
rupture you incurred when I landed on top of you,
I am sure you will admit that when we landed it
was one of the biggest thrills you have ever had.
Sam, you old cuss, you've just got to forgive me for
that little prank I played on you. If I had known you
were goosey, I'd have never done it. It would have
been a lot worse if that fat lady hadn't been standing
right under the window you jumped through. She
really broke your fall a lot. People have been killed
falling three stories.
Gene, I regret telling the fireman it was you who
turned in the false alarm. But, of course, I had no
way of knowing they would make such a big deal
about it. Those fire hoses sure have a lot of
pressure don't they? And the water is cold!!
Don, I know how you must feel about me. Opening
the door to the broom closet suddenly must have
startled you and Millie quite badly, and to think how
hard you bumped your chin on the sink when you
bent over to pull up your pants, it makes me sick.
We'll have to get together for dinner some night
after the dentist finishes your plates.
Nancy, the only excuse I can offer for stealing all
your clothes and hiding them when I found you
passed out in the ladies room, is that I was drunk.
Also, I want you to know I was very embarrassed
when I couldn't remember where I hid them, and
you had to go home in that old sofa cover. Running
your falsies up the flag pole was a bit too much,
but like I said, I was a little drunk.
To all of you, I am sorry. Setting Jan's panties
on fire seemed funny at the time, and it makes
me sad to hear that her husband is divorcing her
because of it.
Urinating in everyone's drink was in bad taste,
and not telling them about it until all the drinks
were gone was even worse.
Now that I have apologized to all of you and know
that I am forgiven, I will do my darndest to come
to the picnic......
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