Subject: Santa, A Cross Dresser?
From: Unicorn (unicorn@indenial.com)
Date: Thu Dec 14 2000 - 06:39:41 EST
"Santa, A Cross Dresser?" (A LadyHawke's Favorite)
I think Santa Claus is a woman.... I hate to be
the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he's
a she. Think about it. Christmas is a big,
organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social deal,
and I have a tough time believing a guy could
possibly pull it off!
For starters, the vast majority of men don't even
think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. It's
as if they are all frozen in some kind of Ebenezerian
Time Warp until 3 p.m. on Dec. 24th, when they -
with amazing calm - call other errant men and plan
for a last-minute shopping spree. Once at the mall,
they always seem surprised to find only Ronco
products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left
on the shelves. (You might think this would send
them into a fit of panic and guilt, but my husband
tells me it's an enormous relief because it lessens
the 11th hour decision-making burden.) On this
count alone, I'm convinced Santa is a woman.
Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe
would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating
musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the bag.
Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting
there. First of all, there would be no reindeer because
they would all be dead, gutted and strapped on to the
rear bumper of the sleigh amid wide-eyed, desperate
claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzen's
rack would already be on the way to taxidermist. Even
if the male Santa DID have reindeer, he'd still have
transportation problems because he would inevitably
get lost up there in the snow and clouds and then refuse
to stop and ask for directions. Add to this the fact that
there would be unavoidable delays in the chimney,
where the Bob Vila-like Santa would stop to inspect
and repoint bricks in the flue. He would also need to
check for carbon monoxide fumes in every gas
fireplace, and get under every Christmas tree that
is crooked to straighten it to a perfectly upright 90-
degree angle.
Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man:
1. Men can't pack a bag.
2. Men would rather be dead than caught wearing
red velvet
3. Men would feel their masculinity is threatened...
having to be seen with all those elves.
4. Men don't answer their mail.
5. Men would refuse to allow their physique to be
described even in jest as anything remotely resembling
a "bowl full of jelly."
6. Men aren't interested in stockings unless
somebody's wearing them.
7. Having to do the Ho Ho Ho thing would seriously
inhibit their ability to pick up women.
8. Finally, being responsible for Christmas would
require a commitment. I can buy the fact that other
mythical holiday characters are men...
Father Time shows up once a year unshaven and
looking ominous. Definitely, a guy. Cupid flies around
carrying weapons. Uncle Sam is a politician who likes
to point fingers. Any one of these individuals could
pass the testosterone screening test. But not St. Nick.
Not a chance. As long as we have each other, good
will, peace on earth, faith, and Nat King Cole's version
of "The Christmas Song," it probably makes little
difference what gender Santa is. I just wish she'd
quit dressing like a guy!!!
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