Subject: How To Feed Your Cat Matzoh
From: Unicorn (unicorn@indenial.com)
Date: Fri Apr 28 2000 - 07:27:19 EDT
"Leftover Matzoh Ideas"
The following is based on five premises:
a. You will always have matzoh left over after Pesach.
b. You won't want to eat any more of it by then and
you won't be able to bring yourself to throw it out.
c. Having eaten 12-month-old matzoh back in 1981, you
know better than to save it for next year.
d. It's already in, or can be broken into small pieces.
e. You have a cat.
"How To Feed Your Cat Matzoh"
1. Grasp cat firmly in your arms. Cradle its head on
your elbow, just as if you were giving a baby a bottle.
Coo confidently, "That's a nice kitty." Drop matzoh
into its mouth.
2. Retrieve cat from top of lamp and matzoh from
under sofa.
3. Follow same procedure as in #1, but hold cat's
front paws down with left hand and back paws
down with elbow of right arm. Poke matzoh into
its mouth with right forefinger.
4. Retrieve cat from under bed. Get new matzoh
from box. (Resist impulse to get new cat.)
5. Again proceed as in #1, except when you have
cat firmly cradled in feeding position, sit down
on edge of chair, fold your torso over cat, bring
your right hand over your left elbow, open cat's
mouth by lifting the upper jaw and pop the matzoh
in quickly. Since your head is down by your knees,
you won't be able to see what you're doing.
That's just as well.
6. Leave cat hanging on drapes. Leave matzoh
in your hair.
7. If you're a woman, have a good cry. If you're
a man, have a good cry.
8. Now pull yourself together. Who's the boss
here anyway? Retrieve cat and matzoh. Assuming
position #1, say sternly, "Who's the boss here,
anyway?" Open cat's mouth, take matzoh and...
Oooops!
9. This isn't working, is it? Collapse and think.
Aha! Those flashing claws are causing the chaos.
But it's a sin to waste food! And your cat deserves
to know what it tastes like now!
10. Crawl to linen closet. Drag back large beach
towel. Spread towel on floor.
11. Retrieve cat from kitchen counter and
matzoh from potted plant.
12. Spread cat on towel near one end with its
head over long edge.
13. Flatten cat's front and back legs over its
stomach. (Resist impulse to flatten cat.)
14. Roll cat in towel. Work fast; time and
tabbies wait for no man or woman.
15. Resume position #1. Rotate your left hand
to cat's head. Press its mouth at the jaw
hinges like opening the petals of a snapdragon.
16. Drop matzoh into cat's mouth and poke
gently. Voila! It's done.
17. Vacuum up loose fur (cat's). Apply
bandages to wounds (yours).
18. Take two aspirins and lie down.
19. Resume steps 1-18 at each feeding time
until the matzoh is gone or until:
(a) someone gives you a Jewish ant farm.
(b) you hear a hungry mockingbird chirping
"Hava Nagila."
(c) your pet chihuahua says "Yo te quiero
taco matzo."
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