Unicorn (Unicorn@Indenial.com)
Wed, 22 Sep 1999 07:03:39 -0400
"Fear of Flying"
I was on a flight last month that was
up in the air before it took off. The
stewardess was giving her usual
"what to do in case of impending doom"
speech, which was making the
passenger next to me increasingly
nervous and testy. She got to "if the
cabin pressure drops, the oxygen
masks will fall down in front of you"
when he angrily said, "And what?
Worship us?"
*********************************************************
"Ways To Amuse Yourself On The Plane"
1. Carry a toilet aboard the plane. Tell
the flight crew that you have to carry it
aboard with you. Offer to sit on it during
the flight.
2. Select a flight attendant. Every time
she walks by, make a face as though
something smells really bad.
3. Ring your call button. When the flight
attendant responds, speak in gibberish.
Become more agitated and animated
as she becomes more frustrated in her
attempts to understand you.
4. When the captain announces "if
there's anything we can do to make your
flight more comfortable...." ring and ask
that the row of seats in front of you be
removed.
5. After the safety presentation, when
they tell you that your flight attendant will
be coming by to answer any questions
you might have, take them up on the offer.
Ask questions that no one can answer,
like "What you say to the Lord when He
sneezes?" Even better, act as though you
have a short attention span and ask them
to repeat parts of it.
6. Ask if you can put on your oxygen
mask now, just in case.
7. Take the airline magazine and provide
your own captions for the pictures and
add your own footnotes to the articles.
Be as creative and vulgar as possible. At
the end of the flight, leave the magazine
on board for the next person.
8. If you're seated in the exit row on a
crowded airplane, as you're taxiing out to
the runway, ring your call button and tell the
flight attendant that you have an indiscernable
condition that would prevent you from
performing the activities listed on the
safety card, and would like to be reseated.
(WARNING: Don't do this on New York-
bound flights).
9. If you are sitting next to a particularly
chatty person, the following are good
ways to shut them up:
* pull out a pornographic magazine & make
graphic comments about the models.
* as soon as it is practical, take out a
notebook and pen and begin to write
obscenities and satanic slogans and
draw pentagrams and other satanic
objects. This is especially effective if you
use a very smelly magic marker.
* fall asleep with your head on their
shoulder.
* assume the lotus position and begin
to chant.
This archive was generated by hypermail 2.0b3 on Wed Sep 22 1999 - 09:00:02 EDT