Unicorn (Unicorn@Indenial.com)
Sun, 03 Oct 1999 03:33:37 -0400
"Stud Problems"
An infamous stud with a long list of
conquests walked into his neighborhood
bar and ordered a drink. The bartender
thought he looked worried and asked
him if anything was wrong.
"I'm scared out of my mind," the stud
replied. "Some ticked-off husband
wrote to me and said he'd kill me if I
didn't stop messing with his wife."
"So stop," the barkeep said.
"I can't," the womanizer replied, taking
a long swill. "The bastard didn't sign
his name!"
*****************************************************
"Look Before You Leap!!"
A small balding man storms into a local
bar and demands "Gimme a double of
the strongest whiskey you got! I'm so
upset I can't even see straight!"
The bartender, noticing that the little
man is a bit the worse for wear, pours
him a DOUBLE of Southern Comfort.
The man swills down the drink and says,
"Gimme another ONE!". The bartender
pours the drink, but says "Now, before I
give you this, why don't you let off a little
steam and tell me WHY you're so upset?"
So the man begins his tale: "Well, I was
sitting in the bar next door when this
gorgeous blonde slinks in, and actually
sits beside ME at the bar. I thought WOW,
this has never happened before. You know,
it was kind of a fantasy come TRUE. Well,
a couple of minutes later I feel this hand
moving around in my lap and the blonde
leans over, licks my ear, and asks if I'm
INTERESTED? I couldn't believe this was
happening! I managed to nod my head
YES, so she grabs my hand, and starts
walking out of the bar. So of course I
went with her. This was just too good to
be true!"
"She took me down the street here to a
nice hotel and up to her room. As soon
as she shut the door she slips out of her
dress. That was all she was wearing! I
tell you it didn't take me much longer to
get out of my clothes! But as soon as I
jumped into the bed, I hear some keys
jingling, and SOMEONE starts fumbling
with the door."
"The blonde says 'Oh my gosh, it's my
BOYFRIEND. He must have lost his
WRESTLING match tonight, he's gonna
be REAL MAD! Quick, HIDE!'"
"So, I opened at the CLOSET, but I figured
that was probably the FIRST place he
would look, so I didn't hide there. Then I
looked under the bed, but no, I figured
he's bound to look there, TOO. By now I
could hear the key in the lock. I noticed
the window was open, so I climbed out
and was hanging there by my FINGERS
praying that the guy WOULDN'T see me."
The bartender says, "Well I can see how
you might be a BIT FRUSTRATED at
this point."
"Well, yeah, but I hear the guy finally get
the door open and he yells out, 'Who
you been sleeping with now, bitch?'
The girl says, 'Nobody, honey, now
come to bed and calm down.' Well, the
guy starts TEARING up the room. I hear
him tear the door off the closet and
throw it across the room.
I'm thinking, 'Boy, I'm glad I didn't hide
in there.' Then I hear him lift up the bed
and throw it across the room. Good
thing I didn't hide under there either.
Then I heard him say, 'What's that over
there by the WINDOW?' I think 'Oh crap,
I'm dead meat now'. But the blonde by
now is trying real hard to distract him
and convince him to stop looking."
"Well, I hear the guy go into the bathroom,
and I hear water running for a long time,
and I figure maybe he's gonna take a
bath or something, when all of a sudden
the bastard pours a pitcher of scalding
HOT WATER out of the window right on
top of my head! I mean look at this, I got
second degree burns all over my scalp
and shoulders!"
The bartender says, "Oh man, that would
have enraged me for SURE."
"No, that didn't really BOTHER me. Next
the guy starts slamming the window shut
over and over on my hands. I mean, look
at my fingers. They're a bloody mess, I
can hardly hold onto this glass."
The bartender looks at the guy's hands
and says "Yeah, buddy, I can understand
why you are so UPSET."
"No, that WASN'T what really ticked me off."
The bartender then asks in exasperation,
"Well, then, what DID finally ticked you off?"
"Well I was hanging there, and I turned
around and looked down, and I WAS ONLY
ABOUT 6 INCHES OFF THE GROUND!"
This archive was generated by hypermail 2.0b3 on Sun Oct 03 1999 - 09:00:02 EDT