Unicorn (Unicorn@Indenial.com)
Mon, 24 May 1999 08:28:40 -0400
"If Kenneth Starr Wrote Movie Reviews..."
"The Wizard of Oz"
"Transported to a surreal landscape, a young girl
accidentally kills the first woman she meets, then
teams up with three complete strangers to kill the
woman's sister for personal gain."
"Star Wars"
"Anti-establishment outlaws willfully destroy the
property of the ruling government with the help
of mystical mental forces in a bid to restore a
deposed leader."
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"Star Wars Quickie"
Q: What do you call a small, green, plastic replica
of that famous Star Wars hero that you give to
your child to play with?
A: A Toy Yoda.
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"21 Reasons Why Star Wars Is Better Than Titanic"
1. The Titanic is big, but it doesn't have hyperdrive.
2. Yoda could use the Force to lift Titanic out of the
water.
3. Leia is a princess, a senator, a freedom fighter,
and Jedi material; Rose is just marriage bait.
4. Ewoks throw better parties than either first class or
steerage.
5. When flying towards the Titanic, Wedge can't say,
"Look at the size of that thing!" and really mean it.
6. It would be much scarier to get chased around the
oat by a raving madman with a lightsaber as opposed
to a handgun.
7. Titanic is egalitarian by portraying poor people as
sympathetic characters. Star Wars is egalitarian by
promoting bug-eyed amphibians to Admiral.
8. Said bug-eyed amphibious Admiral manages NOT
to lose his ship.
9. We know Cal is the bad guy because he sneers
at the poor and treats his fiancee like property. We
know Darth Vader is the bad guy because he
strangles people and blows up planets for fun.
10. Yeah, Leo can dance, but can he fly an X-wing?
11. Rose braves icy water to rescue her man. Leia
braves Jabba the Hutt.
12. There are always enough escape pods in Star
Wars.
13. Do you know what the Empire does to self-
proclaimed "kings of the world?"
14. If Luke were handcuffed to a pipe below decks in
a sinking ship, he would use the Force to get the key.
15. "I'd rather be his whore than your wife," just
doesn't have the same sting as "I'd rather kiss a
Wookie."
16. Han is frozen in carbonite and turned into a wall
ornament. Leo simply freezes.
17. Han Solo would've steered clear of that damn
iceberg!
18. We knew the boat was gonna sink. But who
could've anticipated, "Luke....I am your father."?
19. Stormtroopers blast big holes in stupid minor
characters; everyone in Titanic was a stupid minor
character.
20. When Star Wars was proclaimed coolest
movie of all time by half of planet earth, George
Lucas did not make a dork of himself at the Oscars.
21. Titanic morals:
a. gamble,
b. cheat on your husband,
c. pose nude for pictures,
d. premarital sex is OK if you're infatuated.
Star Wars morals:
a. fight evil,
b. do good,
c. respect all life even if it's ugly and slithers,
d. rescue princess,
e. save planet.
This archive was generated by hypermail 2.0b3 on Mon May 24 1999 - 09:00:01 EDT