Unicorn (Unicorn@Indenial.com)
Fri, 25 Jun 1999 23:26:09 -0400
"Bathing Like A Woman"
Take off the fourteen layers of clothing you put
on this morning because there was a distinct chill
in the air due to the temperature dropping below
33 degrees.
Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown
and towel on head. If you see your boyfriend/
husband along the way, cover up any exposed
flesh immediately, ignore his juvenile turban gags
and then rush to bathroom.
Look at your womanly physique in the mirror and
stick out your gut so that you can complain and
whine even more about how you're getting fat.
Turn on the hot water only.
Get in the shower, once you have found it through
all that steam.
Look for facecloth, armcloth, legcloth, long loofah,
wide loofah and pumice stone.
Wash your hair once with Cucumber and Lamfrey
shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
Wash your hair again with Cucumber and Lamfrey
shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
Wash your hair once more with Cucumber and
Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
Condition your hair with Cucumber and Lamfrey
conditioner enhanced with natural crocus oil. Leave
on hair for fifteen minutes.
Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub
for ten minutes until red raw.
Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa
Cake body wash.
Complain bitterly when you realize that your
boyfriend/husband has once again been eating your
Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash.
Rinse conditioner off hair (this takes at least
fifteen minutes as you must make sure that it has
all come off).
Debate shaving armpits and legs and decide
that you can't be bothered, and, anyway, the hair
helps keep you warm. (Huh? Was this written by
a European?)
Slick hair back and pretend you're like Bo Derek
in 10.
Scream loudly when your boyfriend/husband
flushes the toilet, and you get a rush of scalding
water.
Turn hot water on full and rinse off.
Dry with a towel the size of a small African country.
Check entire body for the remotest sign of a spot.
Check entire head for gray hairs. Attack both with
nails/tweezers if found.
Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown
and towel on head. If you see your boyfriend/
husband along the way, cover up any exposed
flesh immediately, ignore his juvenile turban gags
and then rush to bedroom.
**********************************************************
"Bathing Like A Man"
Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed
and leave them in a pile on the floor.
Walk to bathroom wearing a towel. If you see your
girlfriend/wife along the way, flash her.
Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck
in your gut to see if you have pecs. (no)
Turn on the water.
Check for pecs again. (still no)
Get in the shower.
Don't bother to look for a washcloth. (You don't use
one).
Wash your face.
Wash your armpits.
Wash your privates and surrounding area.
Wash your butt.
Shampoo your hair. (Do not use conditioner)
Make a shampoo Mohawk.
Draw a smilie face on fogged up shower door.
Open the door and look at yourself in the mirror.
Pee.
Rinse off and get out of the shower.
Return to the bedroom wearing a towel. If you
pass your girlfriend/wife, flash her.
Phardon.
This archive was generated by hypermail 2.0b3 on Sat Jun 26 1999 - 09:00:02 EDT