Unicorn (Unicorn@Indenial.com)
Mon, 26 Jul 1999 07:17:56 -0400
"25 Parking Lot Rules"
Rule #1 - When waiting for a parking spot,
stop in the middle of the road, don't signal,
and orient your car diagonally to prevent
others from passing.
Rule #2 - Always park on the lines, taking
up as many spots as possible. Diagonal
parking is preferred.
Rule #3 - In a crowded parking lot, if you
find a spot and have the opportunity to pull
through to an adjacent one, drive up half
way and stop on the line, taking both.
Rule #4 - As you pull into a spot, if you see
that the space ahead of you is empty and
you see another driver signaling to take it,
pull though and take it from him.
Rule #5 - Always park close enough to the
adjacent car so that the other driver must
grease up with Vaseline to squeeze into
his/her car.
Rule #6 - When getting out of your car, hit
the adjacent vehicle with your door really hard.
Rule #7 - When driving through the parking
lot, ignore the painted lanes and drive
diagonally from one end to another at a high
rate of speed.
Rule #8 - When stopped in front of a store
and waiting for a friend/relative to make a
purchase, make sure that you are stopped in
the middle of the road. The same rules applies
to picking-up and discharging passengers.
Rule #9 - When a vehicle from the opposite
direction is signaling and waiting for a parking
space, position your car so that you are in his
way and let the car behind you take it.
Rule #10 - If you have Handicap license
plates, use up a regular parking spot.
Rule #11 - If you hit the adjacent car with
your door and leave a dent, wait for a car,
which is painted the same color as yours,
to drive down the aisle looking for a place
to park. Then back out, giving up your
spot like "Mr. Good Guy" and park
somewhere else.
Rule #12 - If the vehicle in front of you
stops to let a pedestrian cross or another
vehicle turn, pull into the lane of opposite
traffic and attempt to pass him.
Rule #13 - deleted...for those who are
superstitious
Rule #14 - When exiting a shopping center
into a busy road, exit through the narrow
"ENTER ONLY" driveway, stick the nose
of the car into traffic, and wait.
Rule #15 - When driving through a parking
lot with alternating one-way aisles and
angled parking spots, drive the wrong way.
Then when you see a parking space, take
20 minutes to do a 12-point turn to pull into it.
Rule #16 - Always leave your shopping
cart behind or tightly between parked vehicles.
Rule #17 - Empty your ashtrays on the
ground in shopping center parking lots.
While your at it, dump out all the garbage,
too, including that Wendy's or McDonald's
bag sitting in the back seat from breakfast.
Rule #18 - If you are forced to change an
infant's diaper in a parking lot, leave the
soiled diaper under the car next to you.
Rule #19 - When another vehicle is
waiting for you to pull out of a spot in a
crowded parking lot, take your time. Adjust
the mirrors, your seat, and the radio. Roll
down your window, light a cigarette, and
eat your lunch. Feel free to go through your
shopping bags and look at what you just
bought.
Rule #20 - When pulling into a parking
spot, if there is a shopping cart in the way,
lightly tap it with your bumper and send it
rolling into an adjacent car. Then, when
you step out, if the cart is still too close,
push it down the parking lot aisle and let it
go. While the cart is flying solo, turn
around and walk toward the stores.
Rule #21 - When walking back to your car
in a busy shopping center, gesture to other
drivers waiting for a spot to make them
think that you are getting in the car and
leaving. Then walk between the cars to
the next aisle and do it again.
Rule #22 - When holiday shopping at the
mall, which requires you to load your bags
into the car and go back in to do more
shopping, do NOT tell the driver who is
sitting patiently watching you load your
car and signaling for your spot.
Rule #23 - When walking back to your car,
if you notice other shoppers walking past
your car to get to theirs, press the buttons
on your key chain remote so that your car's
alarm makes a sudden loud "BLOOP
BLEEP" that scares the crap out of them.
Rule #24 - If you don't see a speed limit
sign posted in the malls parking lot, there
isn't any!
Rule #25 - If you back into a parked car,
and the driver isn't with it, take out a piece
of paper & start writing. This is especially
effective if there are 15-20 witnesses.
On a piece of paper write, "There were
___ witnesses when I hit your car. They
think I'm writing my name address, phone #,
insurance information, etc., on this paper.
But I'm not!"
This archive was generated by hypermail 2.0b3 on Mon Jul 26 1999 - 09:00:02 EDT