Unicorn (Unicorn@Indenial.com)
Sat, 06 Feb 1999 10:52:23 -0500
Personally, I had no problems but I heard that women
with small breasts really suffer. (I'm not *of age* to
require it but I had a reason to have this done.)
But seriously.... A word of advice: I was told by a
competent nurse/technician that the procedure
is easier to tolerate when done *NOT* during the
week before the "P."
LadyHawke
~*~*~*~*~*~*
"How To Prepare For A Mammogram"
(For Frieda in Arizona)
Many women are afraid of their first mammogram,
there is no need to worry. By taking a few minutes each
day, during the week preceding the exam and doing the
following practice exercises, you will be totally prepared.
Best of all, you can do these simple practice exercises
right in the privacy of your own home.
EXERCISE 1
Freeze two metal bookends overnight.
Strip to the waist.
Invite a stranger into the room.
Press the bookends against your breast.
Smash the bookends together as hard as you can.
Set an appointment with the stranger to meet next year
and do it again.
EXERCISE 2
Open your refrigerator and insert one breast between
the door and the main box. Have one of your strongest
friends slam the door shut as hard as possible and
lean on the door for good measure. Hold that position
for five seconds. Repeat again in case the first time
was not effective enough.
EXERCISE 3
Visit your garage at 3:00 am when the temperature of
the concrete floor is just perfect. Take off all your warm
clothes and lie down comfortably on the floor with one
breast wedged under the rear tire of the car. Ask a friend
to slowly back the car up until the breast is sufficiently
flattened and chilled. Turn over and repeat for the other
breast.
CONGRATULATIONS!! NOW YOU ARE PROPERLY
PREPARED FOR YOUR MAMMOGRAM.
AHHH, ISN'T IT FUN TO BE A WOMAN?
**********************************************************
"Ode To A Mammogram"
For years and years they told me,
"Be careful of your breasts.
Don't ever squeeze or bruise them.
And give them monthly tests."
So I heeded all their warnings
And protected them by Law...
Guarded them very carefully,
And always wore a bra.
After 30 years of careful care,
The doctor found a lump.
He ordered a mammogram
To look inside that clump.
"Stand very close," she said,
As she got my tit in line,
"And tell me when it hurts," she said,
"Ah Yes! There! That's just fine."
She stepped upon a pedal...
I could not believe my eyes!
A plastic plate was pressing down...
My boob was in a vice!!!
My skin was stretched and stretched
From way up by my chin.
And my poor tit was being squashed
To Swedish pancake thin!!!
Excruciating pain I felt,
Within its vice-like grip.
A prisoner in this vicious thing,
My poor defenseless tit!
"Take a deep breath," she said to me
Who does she think she's kidding?
My chest is smashed in her machine,
I can't breathe and woozy I am getting.
"There, that was good," I heard her say
As the room was slowly swaying,
"Now let's get the other one,"
"Lord, have mercy," I was praying.
It squeezed me from the up and down,
It squeezed me from both sides,
I'll bet she's never had this done
To her tender hide!
If I had no problem when I came in,
I surely have one now...
If there had been a cyst in there,
It would have popped it--POW!!!
This machine was made by a man,
Of this I have no doubt...
I'd like to get his balls in there.
For months he'd do "without!!!!"
This archive was generated by hypermail 2.0b3 on Sun Feb 07 1999 - 09:00:02 EST