Unicorn (Unicorn@Indenial.com)
Sat, 06 Feb 1999 05:45:54 -0500
Gosh, no matter whom I make fun of, someone
somewhere always will be unhappy. What? It's ok
to make fun of doctors and lawyers, but not ok to make
fun of nurses? Why not? Do they have an exclusion
or something?
As it says in my intro letter, I make fun of *everyone,*
myself included.
Well, let's make fun of EVERYONE today, shall we?
LadyHawke
~*~*~*~*~*~*
P.S. I am an accountant, who is an auditor by education,
and have lawyers, doctors, and engineers in close family,
AND I make fun of them all.
"Job Descriptions"
An accountant is someone who knows the cost of
everything and the value of nothing.
An auditor is someone who arrives after the battle and
bayonets all the wounded.
A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when
the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins
to rain. (Mark Twain)
An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why
the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today.
A statistician is someone who is good with numbers, but
lacks the personality to be an accountant.
An actuary is someone who brings a fake bomb on a
plane because that decreases the chances that there
will be another bomb on the plane.
(Laurence J. Peter)
A programmer is someone who solves a problem you
didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.
A mathematician is a blind man in a dark room looking
for a black cat which isn't there. (Charles R. Darwin)
A topologist is a man who doesn't know the difference
between a coffee cup and a doughnut.
A lawyer is a person who writes a 10,000 word document
and calls it a "brief."
***********************************************************
Business Vocabulary
1. Assmosis: The process by which some people
seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing
up to the boss. You will all be measured on this at
some point in your career.
2. Blamestorming: Sitting around in a group discussing
why a deadline was missed or a project failed and who
was responsible. This one will be particularly valuable
to those of you who have projects going right now.
3. Seagull Manager: A manager who flies in, makes a
lot of noise, poops all over everything then leaves.
Another word for consultant.
4. Salmon Day: The experience of spending an entire
day swimming upstream only to die in the end. We've
had these before (and will again).
5. Chainsaw Consultant: An outside expert brought in
to reduce the employee head count, leaving the brass
with clean hands. Nope, we do our own dirty work.
6. CLM: Short lingo for 'career limiting move'. Used
among microserfs to describe ill-advised activity.
Trashing your boss while she is within earshot is a
serious CLM. (Related to CLB, career limiting behavior.)
7. Adminisphere: The rarefied organizational layers
beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that
fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly
inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were
designed to solve.
8. Dilberted: To be exploited and oppressed by your
boss (not me!). Derived from the experiences of
Dilbert, the geek-in-hell comic strip character. "I've been
Dilberted again. The old man revised the specs for the
fourth time this week."
9. Flight Risk: Used to describe employees who are
suspected of planning to leave the company or
department soon.
10. 404: Someone who's clueless. From the World
Wide Web error message "404 Not found", meaning that
the requested document could not be located. Example:
"Don't bother asking him... He's 404, man."
11. Ohnosecond: That minuscule fraction of time it
takes to realize that you've just made a BIG mistake.
(See number 6.)
12. Percussive Maintenance: The fine art of whacking
the crap out of an electronic device to get it working again.
This archive was generated by hypermail 2.0b3 on Sat Feb 06 1999 - 09:00:03 EST