(From Congregation B'nei David Judea in Los Angeles.)
(Refer to the dictionary below for words you do not know.)
During the past holiday season, many individuals
expressed concern over seating arrangements in the
shul (**). In order for us to place you in a seat which will
best suit you, we ask you to complete the following
questionnaire and return it to the shul office as soon
as possible.
I wish to be placed in a seat in a
___non-talking section (limited seating)
___talking section
I wish to be placed in a seat next to someone so
we can discuss the following topics:
___stock market
___sports
___fashion news
___general gossip
___my neighbors
___my relatives
___the rabbi
___the chazan
___the gabbai
___(other)____________________
I wish to be seated in a seat where:
___I can see my spouse over the mechitza (**)
___I cannot see my spouse over the mechitza
___I can see my friend's spouse over the mechitza
___My spouse cannot see me seeing my friend's
spouse over the mechitza
___No one on the bimah can see me talking during
services
___I can sleep during services
___I can sleep during the rabbi's sermon (additional
charges)
I wish to be located next to the following so that I may
obtain free professional advise:
___Lawyer
___Doctor
___Chiropractor
___Accountant
___Stockbroker
___Real estate agent
___Dentist
___(other)_________________
Please do not place me anywhere near the following
people:
__________________________
__________________________
__________________________
__________________________
Your name
_______________________
Phone number___________
*******************************************************
"A Dog In The Synagogue"
It's Erev Rosh HaShanah (**), and services are about to begin.
The synagogue is packed. As the congregants are milling
around, shmoozing before services, everyone seems to be
distracted by a man who has brought with him a St. Bernard
dog. "What chutzpah! (**)" an elderly woman whispers aloud.
Services begin, and everyone is fascinated by how well the
dog behaves.
The next morning, the man and his dog arrive early and
promptly begin dovening. This time, the dog is wearing its
own little tallis and yarmulke (**), and even appears, upon
closer inspection, to be shuckling back and forth as the
hazzan intones the prayers. The congregation is amazed.
The week goes by and Kol Nidre arrives. The solemn worship
service begins. The man and his dog are back, and this time,
just as the hazzan is about to begin the prayers, the dog stands
up on its hind legs and howls "Ba-ROOOOOOOCH....!(**)" more
melodically than the best hazzan.
After the service, everyone is clamoring to meet this man and
his remarkable dog. Finally the rabbi comes up to him and
says, "That's one talented pooch you have there. You know, you
should really consider sending your dog to Rabbinical school."
The man looks down, shakes his head, throws up his hands in
disgust and says, "YOU TALK TO HIM! He wants to be a doctor!"
~~~~~~~~~
** Erev Rosh HaShanah - All Jewish Holidays start the night
before. (Remember "And there was Night and there was Day?")
Erev implies the night before.
** chutzpah - having guts, audacity.
** dovening - praying
** tallis and yarmulke - articles of religious attire
** shuckling - swaying back & forth while praying.
** Kol Nidre - another Jewish Holiday, Erev Yom Kippur
** Yom Kippur - The Day of Atonement
** shul - synagogue
** mechitza - a curtain dividing men and women in Hasidic and
Orthodox synagogues
** Ba-roooch - Most of prayers in Hebrew start with "Baruch..."