There was once a COBOL programmer in the mid
to late 1990s. For the sake of this story, we'll call
him Jack. After years of being taken for granted and
reated as a technological dinosaur by all the UNIX
programmers and Client/Server programmers and
website developers, Jack was finally getting some
respect. He'd become a private consultant specializing
in Year 2000 conversions. He was working short-term
assignments for prestige companies, traveling all over
the world on different assignments. He was working
70 and 80 and even 90 hour weeks, but it was worth it.
Several years of this relentless, mind-numbing work
had taken its toll on Jack. He had problems sleeping
and began having anxiety dreams about the Year 2000.
It had reached a point where even the thought of the
year 2000 made him nearly violent. He must have
suffered some sort of breakdown, because all he
could think about was how he could avoid the year
2000 and all that came with it.
Jack decided to contact a company that specialized in
cryogenics. He made a deal to have himself frozen
until March 15th, 2000. This was very expensive
process and totally automated. He was thrilled. The
next thing he would know is he'd wake up in the year
2000; after the New Year celebrations and computer
debacles; after the leap day. Nothing else to worry
about except getting on with his life.
He was put into his cryogenic receptacle, the
technicians set the revive date, he was given
injections to slow his heartbeat to a bare minimum,
and that was that.
The next thing that Jack saw was an enormous and
very modern room filled with excited people. They
were all shouting "I can't believe it!" and "It's a miracle"
and "He's alive!". There were cameras (unlike any
he'd ever seen) and equipment that looked like it
came out of a science fiction movie.
Someone who was obviously a spokesperson for
the group stepped forward. Jack couldn't contain his
enthusiasm. "It is over?" he asked. "Is 2000 already
here? Are all the millennial parties and promotions
and crises all over and done with?"
The spokesman explained that there had been a
problem with the programming of the timer on Jack's
cryogenic receptacle, it hadn't been year 2000 compliant.
It was actually eight thousand years later, not the year
2000. But the spokesman told Jack that he shouldn't
get excited; someone important wanted to speak to him.
Suddenly a wall-sized projection screen displayed the
image of a man that remarcably looked very much like
Bill Gates. This man was Prime Minister of Earth. He told
Jack not to be upset. That this was a wonderful time to be
alive. That there was world peace and no more starvation.
That the space program had been reinstated and there
were colonies on the moon and on Mars. That technology
had advanced to such a degree that everyone had virtual
reality interfaces which allowed them to contact anyone
else on the planet, or to watch any entertainment, or to
hear any music recorded anywhere.
"That sounds terrific," said Jack. "But I'm curious. Why is
everybody so interested in *me*?"
"Well," said the Prime Minister. "The year 10000 is just
around the corner, and it says in your files that you know
COBOL...."