A guy rushes up to the door of the synagogue on
Yom Kippur and wants to enter. The usher stops
him and asks for his ticket. Unfortunately, the guy
doesn't have a ticket, and so the usher won't let
him in. The guy explains that he has an urgent and
important message that he has to deliver immediately
to Mr. Cohen, and that it's a matter of life and death.
The usher remains steadfast, however. He is not
going to be fooled by just any hard luck story. No
ticket, no entry into the synagogue.
Well, the guy keeps pleading, insisting that he must
get this important message to Mr. Cohen, a matter of
life and death, but the usher keeps refusing, telling
him that he's sorry, but on the High Holy Days no one
is allowed in without a ticket.
Eventually, however, the guy wears the usher down.
He is so convincing and his pleading is so pitiful that
the usher finally relents and tells him he can go in.
"All right, I'm going to let you in, and you can give the
message to Mr. Cohen. But," he cautions him, shaking
a stern warning finger in the guy's face, "Don't let me
catch you praying."
****************************************************************
"A Jewish Parrot"
(Refer to the dictionary below for words you do not know)
Meyer, a lonely widower, was walking home along
Delancy Street one day wishing something wonderful
would happen into his life, when he passed a Pet
Store and heard a squawking voice shouting out in
Yiddish: "Quawwwwk...vus macht du...Yeah, du...
outside, standing like a putzel...eh?"
Meyer rubbed his eyes and ears. Couldn't believe it.
The proprietor sprang out of the door and grabbed
Meyer by the sleeve.
"Come in here, fella, and check out this parrot..."
Meyer stood in front of an African Grey that cocked his
little head and said: "Vus? Kenst reddin Yiddish?"
Meyer turned excitedly to the store owner.
"He speaks Yiddish?"
"Vuh den? Chinese maybe?"
In a matter of moments, Meyer had placed five
hundred dollars down on the counter and carried the
parrot in his cage away with him. All night he talked
with the parrot. In Yiddish. He told the parrot about
his father's adventures coming to America. About
how beautiful his mother was when she was a
young bride. About his family. About his years of
working in the garment center. About Florida. The
parrot listened and commented. They shared some
walnuts. The parrot told him of living in the pet store,
how he hated the weekends. They both went to sleep.
Next morning, Meyer began to put on his tfillin all the
while, saying his prayers. The parrot demanded to know
what he was doing and when Meyer explained, the parrot
wanted some too. Meyer went out and hand-made a
miniature set of tfillin for the parrot. The parrot wanted to
learn to daven (**), and learned every prayer. He wanted
to learn to read Hebrew so Meyer spent weeks and months,
sitting and teaching the parrot, teaching him Torah. In time,
Meyer came to love and count on the parrot as a friend and
a Jew. He had been saved.
One morning, on Rosh Hashana, Meyer rose and got
dressed and was about to leave when the parrot demanded
to go with him. Meyer explained that Shul (**) was not place
for a bird but the parrot made a terrific argument and was
carried to Shul on Meyer's shoulder. Needless to say, they
made quite a spectacle, and Meyer was questioned by
everyone, including the Rabbi and Cantor. They refused to
allow a bird into the building on the High Holy Days but Meyer
convinced them to let him in this one time, swearing that
parrot could daven. Wagers were made with Meyer.
Thousands of dollars were bet (even odds) that the parrot
could NOT daven, could not speak Yiddish or Hebrew, etc.
All eyes were on the African Grey during services. The parrot
perched on Meyer's shoulder as one prayer and song passed -
Meyer heard not a peep from the bird. He began to become
annoyed, slapping at his shoulder and mumbling under his
breath, "Daven!"
Nothing.
"Daven...parrot, you can daven, so daven...come on, everybody's
looking at you!" Nothing.
After Rosh Hashanah services were concluded, Meyer found
that he owed his Shul buddies and the Rabbi over four thousand
dollars. He marched home, upset as hell, saying nothing.
Finally several blocks from the Temple the bird began to sing
an old Yiddish song and was happy as a lark. Meyer stopped
and looked at him.
"You miserable bird, you cost me over four thousand dollars.
Why? After I made your tfillin and taught you the morning prayers,
and taught you to read Hebrew and the Torah. And after you
begged me to bring you to Shul on Rosh Hashana, why? Why
did you do this to me?"
"Don't be a schmuck," the parrot replied. "Think of the odds
on Yom Kippur!"
~~~~~~~~~~~
Tfillin - a part of religious attire worn by men on their foreheads.
Daven - to pray, in Hebrew
Torah - The Five Books of Moses, Old Testament
Shul - a synagogue or a Temple
Yom Kippur - a Day of Atonement.
Putzel, Schmuck - penis, prick... with all the implications thereof.
Shofar - a ram horn blown during Rosh Hashanah services.