Ladyhawke
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"Turkey Giblets"
There was an old married couple that had happily lived
together for nearly forty years. The only friction in their
marriage was caused by the husband's habit of breaking
wind nearly every morning as he awoke.
The noise would always wake up his wife, and the smell
would cause her eyes to water as she would choke and
gasp for air. Nearly every morning she would plead with
him to stop ripping one in the morning. He told her that he
couldn't help it. She begged him to see a doctor to see if
anything could be done but the husband wouldn't hear of it.
He told her that it was just a natural bodily function, and
then he would laugh in her face as she tried to wave the
fumes away with her hands. She told him that there was
nothing natural about it, and if he didn't stop, he was one
day going to "shoot his guts out."
The years went by, and the wife continued to suffer, and the
husband continued to ignore her warnings about "shooting
his guts out" until one Thanksgiving morning. Before dawn,
the wife went downstairs to prepare the family feast.
She fixed pumpkin pie, mashed potatoes, made gravy and,
of course, a turkey. While she was taking out the turkey's
innards, a thought occurred to the wife as to how she might
solve her husband's problem. With a devilish grin on her face,
she placed the turkey guts into a bowl and quietly walked
upstairs hours before her flatulent husband would awake.
While he was still soundly asleep, she pulled back the covers
and then gently pulled back her husband's jockey shorts.
She then placed all of the turkey guts into her husband's
underwear, pulled them up, replaced the covers and tiptoed
back downstairs to finish preparing the family meal.
Several hours later she heard her husband awake with his
normal loud butt trumpeting. This was soon followed by a
blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps
as her husband ran to the upstairs bathroom.
The wife could not control herself, and her eyes began to tear
up as she rolled on the floor laughing. After years of putting
up with him she had finally gotten even.
About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs
in his blood-stained underpants with a look of horror in his
eyes. She bit her lip to keep from laughing, and she asked
him what was the matter. He said, "Honey, you were right -
all those years you warned me, and I didn't listen to you."
"What do you mean?" innocently asked his wife.
"Well you always told me that I would end up shooting my
guts out one of these days and today it finally happened.
But by the grace of good Lord and these two fingers, I think
I got 'em all back in."
<>*<>*<>*<>*<> Quickie du Jour <>*<>*<>*<>*<>
Did you hear about the middle aged couple who
divorced due to incompatability?
He lost his income, and she her patability.
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A Husband's Checkup"
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.
After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office
alone.
He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe
disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do
the following, your husband will surely die."
"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant,
and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make
him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially
nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, as he
probably had a hard day. Don't discuss your problems
with him, it will only make his stress worse. And most
importantly. make love with your husband several times
a week and satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for
the next 10 months to a year, l think your husband will
regain his health completely."
On the way home, the husband asked his wife,
"What did the doctor say?"
"You're going to die," she replied.