Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically
forward your call to her real number.
Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an
acceptable response to "I love you."
Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?"
cards.
When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the
game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the
screen during a time-out.
Breaking up would be a lot easier. A "See you later." would
pretty much do it.
Drinking any type of beer would be a 100%-effective birth
control method.
Your resume references would never be checked.
Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes
of the NFL team of your choice.
The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.
"Sorry I'm late, but I got really wasted last night." would
be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.
At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow, and
you'd jump out your window and slide down the tail of
a brontosaurus and right into your car.
It'd be considered harmless fun to gather 30 friends, put
on horned helmets and pillage a nearby town.
Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for
violating the "public ugliness" ordinance.
Women in bars would fall into your arms whenever
you said, "Come here often?"
Tanks would be far easier to rent.
Garbage would take itself out.
Instead of beer belly, you'd get "beer biceps."
Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you would
be expected to present your wife-to-be with a giant
foam hand that said, "You're #1!"
Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so
it would only occur in leap years.
On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the
day off to go drinking. Mother's Day, too. And your birthday.
St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same.
Only it would be celebrated every month.
********************************************************************
No man ever told a woman she talked too much while she
was telling him how wonderful he is.
********************************************************************
"If Men REALLY Ruled The World, Part II"
Cop shows would be broadcast live, and you could phone
in advice to the pursuing cops. Or to the crooks.
Two words: Ally McNaked.
Regis and Kathie Lee would be chained to a cement
mixer and pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge for the
most lucrative pay-per-view event in world history.
The victors in any athletic competition would get to kill
and eat the losers.
The only show opposite Monday Night Football would
be Monday Night Football from a Reverse Camera Angle.
Hockey Night in Canada would be allowed to use the
Puck Cam.
It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long
as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.
Every man would get four real Get Out of Jail Free cards
per year.
When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer
you responded with would actually reduce your fine. As in:
Cop: "You know how fast you were going?"
You: "All I know is, my beer was spilling all over the place."
Cop: "Good one. That's $10 off."
Faucets would run "Hot," "Cold," and "100 proof."
Every car would have a four on the floor and fifth under the seat.
Standard feature on every car: Zero to 60 in 1.9 seconds
People would never talk about how fresh they felt.
Short shorts and miniskirts would always be in style.
The Statue of Liberty would get a bright red, 40-foot thong.
Telephones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds of
conversation.
You could have your choice and still be paid the same:
Work or surf the Net.