I always wanted a hopped up muscle car when I was younger.
I couldn't afford one. Now I can, and I have one. It's a '70
Mustang, and her name is Bessie. Bessie is the proto-typical
juvenile, male-caveman, scratch yourself and drink cheap beer
car. Chromed engine, dual exhaust, 250 horsepower, big tires.
I'm driving Bessie on Beach Boulevard behind an ancient guy
in a beat-up truck. He decides to turn in front of me without a
blinker. I accelerate to swerve and avoid him, and this crazy,
over-aerobicized woman jumps in front of my car with her
hand up.
Meet Ethel, the neighborhood busybody/nuisance. She
proceeds to yell in my window, "Hey, slow down, you idiot."
I'm a well-bred, mellow guy by nature, so I ignore this. As I
drive away, she yells, "Jerk" at me again. Twice?
I turn around and drive up next to her.
"Do you have a problem?" I ask.
"Yeah, why are you driving like an idiot?"
"I was driving like an idiot? How, exactly?"
"You were speeding. I watched you."
"You were? I see. How did you measure my speed?"
(Ever the interrogator.)
"I heard you."
"So, you measured my speed by ear?"
"I can hear."
"How fast did you HEAR me going?"
"Look," she says, "I don't have to take this. Here comes a
cop. I'll wave him down."
THE POLICE? This woman is a trip. She waves him down,
and proceeds to tell him that she observed me speeding.
"What happened?" he asks. I told him the story, and told
him that I accelerated to an indicated 33 mph (the speed limit
is 35) to avoid a collision.
"Are those mufflers legal?" Ethel asks.
She's pushing it. I reply, "I have a C.A.R.B. exemption for
them." I give the paperwork to the cop. She tries to find
another thing to screw me with.
She says, "What about those big tires? They CAN'T be
legal." I began feeling little overheated gears in the back of
my head start to turn.
"These tires were available on the 1970 Boss 429," I told
the cop, "Which makes them street legal as a replacement."
Ethel gets angry. She whines, "So you're not going to give
out any tickets to this jerk?"
The cop says, "No, I am not."
I've about had it. So I say, "Sir, this woman told you that she
left the street at the corner, and then she met up with my car
here. According to Title 39, pedestrians have to cross the
street at a right angle. This woman admitted she crossed at
a 45-degree angle, which is a ticketable offense."
"What?" The cop looks confused.
"Also, she told you that she walked in front of my car to
stop me. A citizen can't detain someone without probable
cause, under Terry v. Ohio (my new favorite case). Since
she couldn't measure my speed, she had no probable cause
to detain me. That is an indictable offense."
The cop says, "But, I didn't see any of this."
"But," I said, "I did, and, as an officer of the Court, I can
demand her arrest. I'll agree to dismiss the Illegal Detention
charge, but I want her cited for not crossing at a right angle
and Hazardous Conduct on a Public Street."
The cop called his Lieutenant, and after the cop told the
story, he authorized the summonses. She went home with
$215.00 worth of traffic tickets, and they are worth a total of
four points against her license, as well as the appropriate
insurance surcharge! Of course, if she demands a trial I
won't prosecute. But the look on her face as she walked
away was more than enough satisfaction for me.
Yeah, I've got a law degree, and I'm not afraid to use it.