Unicorn (Unicorn@Indenial.com)
Thu, 17 Dec 1998 10:30:41 -0500
St. Nick, a he or a she, that is the question..... Some people
definitely have too much time on their hands......
LadyHawke
~*~*~*~*~*~*
"Santa, A Cross Dresser?"
I think Santa Claus is a woman.... I hate to be the one to defy
sacred myth, but I believe he's a she. Think about it. Christmas
is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social deal, and I
have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it off!
For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about
selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. It's as if they are all frozen
in some kind of Ebenezerian Time Warp until 3 p.m. on Dec.
24th, when they - with amazing calm - call other errant men
and plan for a last-minute shopping spree. Once at the mall,
they always seem surprised to find only Ronco products,
socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the shelves. (You
might think this would send them into a fit of panic and guilt,
but my husband tells me it's an enormous relief because it
lessens the 11th hour decision-making burden.) On this count
alone, I'm convinced Santa is a woman. Surely, if he were a
man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas
morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree,
still in the bag.
Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First
of all, there would be no reindeer because they would all be
dead, gutted and strapped on to the rear bumper of the sleigh
amid wide-eyed, desperate claims that buck season had been
extended. Blitzen's rack would already be on the way to
taxidermist. Even if the male Santa DID have reindeer, he'd
still have transportation problems because he would inevitably
get lost up there in the snow and clouds and then refuse to
stop and ask for directions. Add to this the fact that there
would be unavoidable delays in the chimney, where the Bob
Vila-like Santa would stop to inspect and repoint bricks in the
flue. He would also need to check for carbon monoxide fumes
in every gas fireplace, and get under every Christmas tree that
is crooked to straighten it to a perfectly upright 90-degree angle.
Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man:
1. Men can't pack a bag.
2. Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet
3. Men would feel their masculinity is threatened...having to be
seen with all those elves.
4. Men don't answer their mail.
5. Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described even
in jest as anything remotely resembling a "bowl full of jelly."
6. Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing
them.
7. Having to do the Ho Ho Ho thing would seriously inhibit their
ability to pick up women.
8. Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a
commitment.
I can buy the fact that other mythical holiday characters are men...
Father Time shows up once a year unshaven and looking ominous.
Definitely, a guy. Cupid flies around carrying weapons. Uncle
Sam is a politician who likes to point fingers. Any one of these
individuals could pass the testosterone screening test. But not
St. Nick. Not a chance. As long as we have each other, good will,
peace on earth, faith, and Nat King Cole's version of "The
Christmas Song," it probably makes little difference what gender
Santa is. I just wish she'd quit dressing like a guy!!!
This archive was generated by hypermail 2.0b3 on Fri Dec 18 1998 - 09:00:03 EST