Unicorn (Unicorn@Indenial.com)
Sat, 12 Dec 1998 07:05:21 -0500
Try not to have a religious reaction to this...
LadyHawke
~*~*~*~*~*~*
"Religious Tech Support"
Ring ring...
G-d: Hello, this is the religion help line. What is your disbelief?
Sinner: I seem to have lost my faith.
G-d: Was your faith installed by an ordained priest or a Catholic
Minister?
Sinner: Ummm... let's see, I have a conformation, so it must have
been a priest.
G-d: And have you been doing your Faith updates with Weekly
Services(c)?
Sinner: Well, no, not all of them, but I did get the big upgrade at
Christmas and Easter, and a few other Weekly Services here and
there.
G-d: Have you recently heard any contrary Data that might have
corrupted your faith?
Sinner: Not that I can think of..
G-d: Please remember that corrupting data can come in many
forms, from Simple Lies (c)*(Microsoft) or Street Rhetoric (Internet).
Have your Ears downloaded anything that might be construed as
corrupting?
Sinner: Well I did listen to a bum on the street that said that G-d
was asleep, and that anyone who believes was being lulled into
the fires of hell.
G-d: What you have is a paradox, that is the problem with your
faith, you see, somehow you have an INI string installed that does
not let you Believe in G-d, but the output of this string is a Goto
Hell. Without G-d there is no hell, thus the paradox.
Sinner: And how do I get this Paradox out of my system?
G-d: Please re-read the book that came with your faith, The
Bible(TM) and recall the passages that deal with heaven and hell,
and look to the passages about Judas.ini (c). You can also find
some help in the Psalms 100-120, but those are long and
confusing and should only be used with a complete lack of Faith.
Sinner: And what can I do so that my Faith never becomes
corrupted again?
G-d: Well there are several products out there just for that
purpose, Lotus Devout(TM), Microsoft Seminary Plus(TM), and
Netscape Hereafter Browser(TM). If you use these products
and not download data from know corrupting sources, you
should be fine.
Sinner: Well thank you very much G-d. This should help out
a lot, I should be believing in you without a doubt in no time.
G-d: Go in Peace(TM) my son.
Ring ring...
G-d: Hello, this is the religion help line. What is your disbelief?
>Sinner: Hello, I am now Jewish(TM)...
NOTE for the curious ones: I do not spell out the name of
G-d out of respect and not for any other reasons. I don't do it
to please anybody; I do it for myself. I may be The Joke
Mistress who occasionally makes fun of the Deities, but I
remain a deeply spiritual person. For additional explanation, see
http://www.ladyhawk.com/jan9.html .
**************************************************************
"The Sign of Cross?"
Rabbi Stern rides his bike down the road, when a truck
careens around the corner, out of control, and broadsides
the Rabbi.
Father Flannery watches this event unfold, and as he runs
toward the Rabbi, he notices that Rabbi Stern first touches
his forehead, then his stomach, then each shoulder. As
Father Flannery reaches the Rabbi, he kneels and makes
the sign of the cross himself.
"Rabbi, I notice that you crossed yourself after getting up
from the accident. It's a miracle, must be! Have you seen
the light? Do you believe, man?"
"Cross? Aw, no!" replied Rabbi Stern, "I was just checking."
"Checking? Checking for what?"
Rabbi Stern begins the ritual again, and follows each
movement with:
"Spectacles... Testicles... Wallet... and Watch!"
This archive was generated by hypermail 2.0b3 on Sat Dec 12 1998 - 09:00:01 EST