Unicorn (Unicorn@Indenial.com)
Sun, 18 Jul 1999 07:09:37 -0400
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: FOOD FUNNY :::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
This food funny from reader "Budster" not only vilifies one of my
favorite junk foods, but my favorite pet name as well.
Twinkies
In an effort to clarify questions about the Twinkies' purported source
of nutrition and food source, and to determine the durability and
unusual physical characteristics of Twinkies, I subjected the Hostess
snack logs to the following experiments.
EXPOSURE; A Twinkie was left on a window ledge for 4 days, during
which time an inch and a half of rain fell. Many flies were observed
crawling across the Twinkie's surface, but contrary to the hypothesis,
birds (even pigeons) avoided this potential source of sustenance.
Despite the rain and prolonged exposure to the sun, the Twinkie
retained its original color and form. When removed, the Twinkie was
found to be substantially dehydrated. Cracked open, it was observed
to have taken on the consistency of industrial foam insulation; the
filling, however, retained its advertised "creaminess".
RADIATION; A Twinkie was placed in a conventional microwave oven,
which was set for precisely 4 minutes (the approximate cooking time of
bacon). After 20 seconds, the oven began to emit the Twinkie's rich,
characteristic aroma of artificial butter. After one minute, this
aroma began to resemble the acrid smell of burning rubber. The
experiment was aborted after 2 minutes and 10 seconds when thick, foul
smoke began billowing from the top of the oven. A second Twinkie was
subjected to the same experiment; this Twinkie leaked molten white
filling. When cooled, this now epoxy-like filling bonded the Twinkie
to its plate, defying gravity: it was removed only upon application of
a butter knife.
EXTREME FORCE; A Twinkie was dropped from a ninth-floor window, a fall
of approximately 120 feet. It landed right side up, then bounced onto
its back. The expected "splatter" effect was not observed. Indeed,
the only discernible damage to the Twinkie was a narrow fissure on its
underside; otherwise, the Twinkie remained structurally intact.
EXTREME COLD; A Twinkie was placed in a conventional freezer for 24
hours. Upon removal, the Twinkie was not found to be frozen solid,
but its physical properties had noticeably "slowed". The filling was
found to be the approximate consistency of acrylic paint, while
exhibiting the mercury-like property of not adhering to practically
any surface. It was noticed that the Twinkie had generously absorbed
all of the freezers orders.
EXTREME HEAT; A Twinkie was exposed to a gas flame for 2 minutes.
While the Twinkie smoked and blackened and the filling in one of its
"cream holes" boiled, the Twinkie did not catch fire. It did,
however, produce the same "burning rubber" aroma noticed in the
radiation experiment.
IMMERSION; A Twinkie was dropped into a large bucket filled with
water, the Twinkie floated momentarily, then began to list and sink.
Viscous yellow tendrils ran off its lower half, possibly consisting of
a water-soluble artificial coloring. After 2 hours, the Twinkie
bloated substantially. Its coloring was now a vary pale tan (in
contrast to the yellow, urine-like water that surrounded it). The
Twinkie bobbed when touched, and had a gelatinous texture. After 72
hours, the Twinkie had increased roughly 200 percent of its original
size. The water had turned opaque, and a small, fan-shaped spray of
filling had leaked from one of the "cream holes". Unfortunately,
efforts to remove the Twinkie for further analysis were abandoned
when, under light pressure the Twinkie disintegrated into an amorphous
cloud of debris. A distinctly sour odor was noted.
SUMMARY OF RESULTS; The Twinkie's survival of a 120 foot drop, along
with some of the unusual phenomena associated with the "creamy
filling" and artificial coloring, should give pause to those observers
who would unequivocally categorize the Twinkie as "food". Further
clinical inquiry is required before any definite conclusions can be
drawn.
::::::::::::::::::::::::::: TODAY'S RECIPE ::::::::::::::::::::::::::
Today's Turn of the Century recipe is, if nothing else, testimony to
the fact that some things never change. This is the pound cake your
mother made, and her mother, and hers, and so on.
Pound Cake
(Adapted from The Original Fannie Farmer 1896 Cook Book,
Tormont Publications, 1996)
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0517186780/worldwiderecipes
1 lb (450 g) butter
1 lb (450 g, 2 cups) sugar
10 eggs, separated
1 lb (450 g, 4 cups) flour
1/2 tsp (2 ml) mace
2 Tbs (30 ml) brandy (optional)
Cream the butter and the sugar together. Add the egg yolks and beat
well. Beat the egg whites until they are stiff and dry and fold into
the butter mixture. Add the flour, mace, and optional brandy and beat
vigorously for 5 minutes. Pour into a deep cake pan or loaf pan and
bake in a preheated 325F (160C) oven for 60 to 75 minutes, until a
toothpick inserted in the center comes out clean. Makes 1 cake.
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