How to Make Love Like a Man

"How to Make Love Like a Man"*

*1. While flipping through channels, catch a glimpse
of men's underwear ad. Feel instant and overwhelming
desire for sex.

2. Find partner. Begin undressing self and partner.

3. Wait a minute: What's going on? Partner is kissing you
not on nipples but on lips. Guiding your hand away from
lower regions and toward shoulder. Oh, right, now you
remember. Foreplay.

4. Kiss and touch, kiss and touch. This is making you feel
incredibly hot, while it seems your partner is still just
warming up to room temperature.

5. Attempt to find "magic button" that will make your
partner as turned on as you are. After much groping,
finally think you locate it. Rub it. Rub it hard. Stop only
when you notice partner's attention has drifted back to TV.

6. Offer to give oral s-x, your third most favorite sexual
activity. There is a chance that this may lead to receiving
oral s-x, your first most favorite sexual activity.

7. Spend 23 minutes on the giving end. When your partner
finally seems enthusiastic enough to want to reciprocate,
find that you're forced to stop after two minutes for fear
of the entire encounter ending right there.

8. Almost "forget" birth control.

9. Now it's time for your second most favorite sexual activity.
Okay, it's in. Thirty seconds later, attempt to train your mind
on the anti-orgasmic image of the boy who peed on the
school bus in third grade. Then, despite your best efforts,
your mind returns to Matt Damon, and the school bus turns
into a huge, rocking iron bed.

10. Your partner seems excited now. Very excited. Is partner
having an orgasm? You can't quite tell. But who really cares,
at least at the moment. Your body is being tossed skyward
as if by a volcano and that howl of joy just might be coming
from your own mouth.

11. Check surroundings. Yes, good, you're still in the same room.

12. Grasp partner's hand and say how great the sex was.
Received on Sat Feb 26 20:26:45 2011