Female-to-Female Truisms

"Female-to-Female Truisms"*
*
I've seen two shows recently on female mid-life that went
on and on about how mid-life is a GREAT time for women.
Just last week Oprah had a whole show on how great menopause will be...
 
Puh-leeeeeeze! I've had a few thoughts of my own and
would like to share them with you. Whether you girls are
pushing 40 or 50, (or just pushing your luck), you'll probably relate.
 
Mid-life is when the growth of hair on our legs slows down.
This gives us plenty of time to care for our newly acquired mustache.
 
In mid-life women no longer have upper arms, we have wingspans.

We are no longer women in sleeveless shirts, we are
flying squirrels in drag.
 
Mid-life is when you are standing naked, feel something
rub against the back of your thighs and realize that it's
just your soggy butt.
 
Mid-life is when you go for a mammogram and realize
that it is the only time someone will ask you to appear
topless on film.
 
Mid-life is when you want to grab every firm 'young lovely'
in a tube top and scream, "Listen honey, even the Roman
Empire fell, and those will too!"
 
Mid-life brings with it the wisdom to know that life throws
us curves..and we're sitting on our biggest ones.

Mid-life is when you look at your know-it-all, beeper-wearing
teenager and think, "For this I have stretch marks???"
 
In mid-life your memory starts to go. In fact, the only thing
you can still retain is water.
 
Mid-life means that your Body-By-Jake now includes those
Legs-By-Rand-McNally... more red and blue lines than an
accurately scaled road map of Wisconsin.
 
Mid-life means that you become more reflective. You start
pondering the "big" questions: What is life? Why am I here?
How much Healthy Choice ice cream can I eat before it's
no longer a healthy choice?
 
But, mid-life also brings with it an appreciation for what is important.

We realize that breasts sag, hips expand, and chins double...
but our loved ones make the journey worthwhile. Would
any of you trade the knowledge that you have now for the
body you had back then? Maybe our bodies simply have
to expand to hold all of the wisdom and love we've acquired...
Received on Tue Feb 1 11:14:07 2011