I am Dead Today

"I am Dead Today"*

*An older couple is lying in bed one morning.

They had just awakened from a good nights sleep.

He takes her hand and she responds, 'Don't touch me.'

'Why not?' he asked.

She answered, 'Because I'm dead.'

The husband asked... 'What are you talking about?
We're both lying here in bed together and talking to one another!'

She said, 'No, I'm definitely dead.'

He insisted, 'You are not dead. What in the world
makes you think you're dead?'

'Because I woke up this morning and nothing hurts.'

**************************************************

"Highway Math"*

*I was riding to work yesterday when I observed
a female driver, who cut right in front of a pickup truck,
causing the driver to drive onto the shoulder to avoid
hitting her. This evidently angered the driver enough
that he hung his arm out his window and gave the
woman the finger. "Man, that guy is stupid," I thought
to myself. I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave, in a sheepish
manner, whenever a female does anything stupid to me in traffic, and
here's why: . . .

I drive 48 miles each way every day to work.
That's 96 miles each day.
Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper.
Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway.
There are 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles.
That works out to 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.
Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper-to-
bumper, I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars.
That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars that I pass every day.

Statistically, females drive half of these.
That's 18,000 women drivers!

In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS. That's 642.

According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life
as dissatisfying or unrewarding. That's 449.

According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all
females have seriously considered suicide or homicide.
That's 98.

And 34% describe men as their Biggest Problem. That's 33.

According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all
females carry weapons and this number is increasing.

That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female who.....
has a lousy love life,
thinks men are her biggest problem ,
has seriously considered suicide or homicide ,
has PMS, and is ARMED!!!!!

Give her the finger?

I don't think so!
Received on Thu Oct 1 23:45:07 2009