Musician Jokes

"Musician Jokes"*

*A young child says to his mother, "Mom, when I grow up I'd like to be a
musician."
She replies, "Well honey, you know you can't do both."

Q: What do you call a beautiful woman on a trombonist's arm?
A: A tattoo.

Q: What's the difference between a banjo and an onion?
A: Nobody cries when you chop up a banjo.

Q: What did the drummer get on his I.Q. Test?
A: Saliva.

Q: What do call a guitar player without a girlfriend?
A: Homeless.

Q: What's the similarity between a drummer and a philosopher?
A: They both perceive time as an abstract concept.

Q: What is the difference between a drummer and a vacuum cleaner?
A: You have to plug one of them in before it sucks.

Q: What's the difference between a jet airplane and a trumpet?
A: About three decibels.

Q: How do you get an oboist to play A flat?
A: Take the batteries out of his electronic tuner.

Q: What's the difference between a SCUD missile and a bad oboist?
A: A bad oboist can kill you.

Q: Why do clarinetists leave their cases on the dashboard?
A: So they can park in the handicapped zones.

Q: What's the difference between a saxophone and a chainsaw?
A: You can tune a chainsaw.

Q: What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common?
A: Everyone is relieved when the case is closed.

Q: Why are harps like elderly parents?
A: Both are unforgiving and hard to get into and out of cars.

Q: What's the difference between a Wagnerian soprano and a baby elephant?
A: Eleven pounds.

Q: Why are violist's fingers like lightning?
A: They rarely strike the same spot twice.

Q: How many guitar players does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 13 - one to do it, and twelve to stand around and say, "Phhhwt! I can
do that!"

Q: What's the difference between alto clef and Greek?
A: Some conductors actually read Greek.

Q: How does a young man become a member of a high school chorus?
A: On the first day of school he turns into the wrong classroom.

Vibrato: Used by singers to hide the fact that they are on the wrong pitch.

Q: What's the difference between a Lawnmower a nd a Viola?
A: Vibrato

Q: How can you tell when a singer is at your door?
A: The can't find the key, and they never know when to come in.

Q: What's the difference between a dead chicken in the road, and a dead
trombonist in the road?
A: There's a remote chance the chicken was on its way to a gig.

Q: How do you get a guitarist to play softer?
A: Place a sheet of music in front of him.

Q: What do you do if you see a bleeding drummer running around in your
back yard?
A: Stop laughing and shoot again.

Soprano Sofege: do, re, mi, me, Me, Not You, ME!!

Q: What's the perfect weight of a conductor?
A: Three and one-half pounds, including the urn.

Q: What's the definition of optimisim?
A: A bass trombonist with a beeper.

Q: What do you do if you run over a bass player?
A: Back up.

Q: How do you reduce wind-drag on a trombonist's car?
A: Take the Domino's Pizza sign off the roof.

Q: How do you get a three piece horn section to play in tune?
A: Shoot two of therm.

Q: What's the difference between a bull and a band?
A: The bull has the horns in the front and SOB in the back.

Q: What's the difference between a tuba and a vacuum cleaner?
A: You have to turn one of them on before it sucks.

Q: What do you call a musician with a college degree?
A: Night manager at McDonalds

Q: Why are violas larger than violins?
A: They aren't. Violists heads are smaller.

Q: How are trumpet players like pirates?
A: They're both murder on the high Cs.
Received on Sat Nov 14 08:19:24 2009