Mother's Dictionary

"A Mother's Dictionary"*

*Amnesia:
condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to have sex again

Bottle Feeding:
an opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2am, too

Defense:
what you'd better have around de yard if you're going to let de children
play outside

Drooling:
how teething babies wash their chins

Dumbwaiter:
one who asks if the kids would care to order dessert

Family Planning:
the art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you
on the edge of financial disaster

Feedback:
the inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots

Full Name:
what you call your child when you're mad at him

Grandparents:
the people who think your children are wonderful even though they're
sure you're not raising them right

Hearsay:
what toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word

Impregnable:
a woman whose memory of labor is still vivid

Independent:
how we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say

Look Out!:
what it's too late for your child to do by the time you scream it

Prenatal:
when your life was still somewhat your own

Prepared Childbirth:
a contradiction in terms

Puddle:
a small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes
into it

Show Off:
a child who is more talented than yours

Sterilize:
what you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last
baby's pacifier by blowing on it

Storeroom:
the distance required between the supermarket aisles so that children in
shopping carts can't quite reach anything

Temper Tantrums:
what you should keep to a minimum so as to not upset the children

Thunderstorm:
a chance to see how many family members can fit into one bed

Top Bunk:
where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies

Two-Minute Warning:
when the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar
grunting noises

Verbal:
able to whine in words

Weaker Sex:
the kind you have after the kids have worn you out

Whodunit:
none of the kids that live in your house

Whoops:
an exclamation that translates roughly into "get a sponge"
Received on Fri Jan 9 06:17:46 2009