Telemarketers

"Telemarketers"*

*What to say to hucksters who telephone during
dinner or in the middle of a riveting TV show
peddling sides of beef, municipal bonds, aluminum
siding, computer software or whatever:

1. The police photographer is still here, and the
county medical examiner hasn't released the body
to the coroner yet. Can you call back a little later?

2. You called at the right time, buster. I'll order
carloads of whatever you got just to restore my
credit rating. Those turkeys down at the bank go
bananas over one little bounced check or two.

3. I'm sorry, the taxi is at the door right now. We're
heading off on a 90 day world cruise aboard the
Empress of Bermuda.

4. Well, you'll have to send the stuff to my new
address. As of next Wednesday, it'll be: care of the
warden, maximum security wing, Attica Correction
Facility, Attica, N.Y.

5. What's that you say? Speak up, please, will you?
The battery has run down on my hearing aid. Louder,
please, louder. Is that the best you can do? I'm
afraid we're just not communicating.

6. I'm afraid you have the wrong number. This is a
funeral home or what we like to call a counseling
chapel for the bereaved. Visiting hours are from 2 to 5 and 7 to 10.

7. I'm just house sitting here, buddy. The owners
won't be back for a couple months. You wouldn't
have a good deal on off-brand whiskeys and beer
by the case, would you? Maybe a little grass or snow?

8. Too late pal. As of tomorrow, Uncle Sam will take
care of all my necessities. But you might try my drill
instructor at Camp Pendleton. In other words, tell it to the Marines.

9. I'm gonna have to put you on hold. The baby is
due any minute now. Quick someone, get some hot
water. Lots of it. Sorry, gotta hurry now, don't go away.

10. Oh, it's you again. I was hoping you'd call back.
The better business people said I need more positive
identification to file my complaint. Now first let me
have your name and telephone number. Hello? Hello?

11. Well, if this ain't the living end. The furniture is
out on the sidewalk; the sheriff's auction is about to
begin and you want to sell me a freezer full of prime
beef. Keep talking. I can dream, can't I?

12. The number you have called is a working number
like you wouldn't believe. Let me make you a counter-
proposal. How about the company of one of our
swinging little ladies for an evening? Our personalized
dating service guarantees satisfaction, and we do take credit cards.

13. Sorry to cut you off like this but Uncle Harry is choking on something.

14. The furnace just conked out, there's a foot of water
in the basement and I nearly broke my neck on the kid's
skate board getting to the phone. You wouldn't have a
special on cyanide, would you?

15. You better talk to my wife when she gets back from
Reno. This place will be all hers then.
 
16. The dog just died and I'm so glad to have someone to talk to...

17. Excuse me, this nice police officer, here, said that I
should inform you that my phone is being tapped. Now,
what kind of drugs did you say you were selling?

18. You have reached the Prosecuting Attorney's office,
if you will hold on a minute, I'm SURE he'd like to talk to you.
Received on Tue Dec 15 12:22:33 2009