How to Dump a Man

"How to Dump a Man"*
*
Dear ________,

I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further
contention
as Mr. Right. As you are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly
tough
and dozens of well-qualified candidates such as yourself also failed to
make the final cut.
I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening become available.

So that you may find better success in your future romantic endeavors,
please allow me to offer the following reason(s) you were disqualified
from the competition.
 
Check those that apply...
 
___Your last name is objectionable. I can't imagine taking it,
hyphenating it, or subjecting my children to it.
 
___Your first name is objectionable. It's just not something I can
picture myself yelling out in a fit of passion.
 
___The fact that our dining experiences to date has left MY wallet a
little lighter, and YOUR pants a little tighter!
 
___Your inadvertent admission that you "buy condoms by the truckload"
indicates that you may be interested in me for something other than my
personality.
 
___You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions about
yourself before you asked me more than one about myself.
 
___Your constant e-mailing shows me you have TOO much time on your hands!
 
___Your legs are skinnier than mine.
 
___You're too short. Any son that we produced would inevitably be beaten
up repeatedly at recess.
 
___You're too tall. I'm developing a chronic neck condition from trying
to kiss you.
 
___I find your inability to fix my car extraordinarily unappealing.
 
___The fact that your apartment has been condemned reveals an inherent
slovenliness that I fear is unbreakable.
 
___The phrase "My Mother" has popped up far too often in conversation.
 
___You still live with your parents.
 
___Although I still enjoy the X-Files, I find your wardrobe of Star Trek
uniforms a little disconcerting.
 
___Your frequent references to your ex-girlfriend lead me to suspect
that you are some sort of psychotic stalker.
 
___Your ability to belch the alphabet is not a trait that I am seeking
in a long-term partner.
 
___Your height is out of proportion to your weight. If you should
however, happen to gain the necessary 17 vertical inches, please
resubmit your application.
 
___Somehow I doubt those condoms I found in your overnight bag were
really necessary for a successful business trip.
 
___I am out of your league, set your sights lower next time.
 
Sincerely,
Cruella de Ville
Received on Mon Apr 20 07:09:04 2009