A Religiously Correct Christmas

         "A Religiously Correct Christmas"*
* (Dreaming of cold weather and holidays!)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 1*
*RE: Christmas Party

 I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will
 take place on December 23, starting at noon in the banquet room
 at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue. No-host bar, but plenty of
 eggnog!

 We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...feel free to
 sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed
 as Santa Claus!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 2*
*RE: Christmas Party

 In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish
 employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday
 which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not
 this year. However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday
 Party."

 The same policy applies to employees who are celebrating
 Kwanzaa at this time. Happy now?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 3*
*RE: Holiday Party

 Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics
 Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table ... you didn't sign
 your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a
 sign on a table that reads, "AA Only"; you wouldn't be anonymous
 anymore.

How am I supposed to handle this? Anybody?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 7*
*RE: Holiday Party

 What a diverse company we are! I had no idea that December 20
 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating,
 drinking and sex during daylight hours. There goes the party!

 Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon this time of year
 does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps
 Luigi's can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the
 party--the days are so short this time of year--or else package
 everything for take-home in little foil swans. Will that work?
 Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to
 sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get
 the table closest to the restrooms. Did I miss anything?

FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 8*
*RE: Holiday Party

 So December 22 marks the Winter Solstice...what do you expect me
 to do, a tap-dance on your heads? Fire regulations at Luigi's
 prohibit the burning of sage by our "earth-based
 G~ddess-worshipping" employees, but we'll try to accommodate
 your shamanic drumming circle during the band's breaks. Okay???
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 9*
*RE: Holiday Party

People, people, nothing sinister was intended by having our CEO
 dress up like Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does
 happen to be "Satan," there is no evil connotation to our own
 "little man in a red suit." It's a tradition, folks, like sugar
 shock at Halloween or family feuds over the Thanksgiving turkey,
 or broken hearts on Valentine's Day.

Could we lighten up?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 10*
*RE: Holiday Party

 Vegetarians!?!?!? I've had it with you people!!! We're going to
 keep this party at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue whether you like it
 or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the
 "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your
 #$%^&*! salad bar, including hydroponic tomatoes.. But you know,
 they have feelings, too. Tomatoes scream when you slice them.
 I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right now!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

FROM: Teri Bishops, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: December 14*
*RE: Pat Lewis and Holiday Party

 I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pat Lewis a speedy
 recovery from her stress-related illness and I'll continue to
 forward your cards to her at the sanatorium. In the meantime,
 management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give
 everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.
Received on Mon Dec 22 08:04:23 2008