Little Known Feline Ailments, Part II

Little Known Feline Ailments"
Part II

IRRITABLE LAP SYNDROME

Symptoms: The cat appears unable to settle comfortably
on laps, instead treading, kneading, rearranging itself,
fidgeting, vocalizing, getting up and turning around, falling
off lap and getting back on again, attacking magazines,
needlework, computer keyboard, telephone etc.

Treatment: Immediate treatment is essential. Drop whatever
you are doing (literally if need be) and give 100% attention to
the sufferer otherwise symptoms may escalate and become
quite distressing to the lap-owner. Only prolonged attention
will cure an attack of Irritable Lap Syndrome. Like Collapsible
Legs this syndrome is incurable, although attacks may be
effectively treated as and when they occur.

LAP FUNGUS DISORDER

Symptoms: Having taken over a human lap, the cat proceeds
to spread in all planes. This may be accompanied by
secondary symptoms such as high volume purring, dribbling,
kneading and snoring. The condition is highly contagious
and several fungoid cats may infest a lap simultaneously.

Treatment: Topical treatment with proprietary anti-fungals is
ineffective. Prompt treatment (as per Irritable Lap Syndrome)
is required to alleviate the worst symptoms although in a
number of cats, such treatment actually exasperates the
condition. This disorder manifests itself periodically through
the affected cat's life and there is no long-term cure.

SMURGLING

Symptoms: Varied: sucking at clothing, owners earlobes/
nose/fingers/

skin, drooling, glazed expression. Often
accompanied by kneading and high volume purring.

Treatment: Ultimately incurable. It is possible to remove
smurglable items from around the cat. The ailment may
be transmitted to humans in the form of large laundry bills,
misshapen clothing and chapped skin.

GREEBLINGZ

Symptoms: Random dashes through to helter-skelter
running through house in pursuit of unseen prey.
Greeblingz are believed to be non-visible entities and some
authorities have linked them to UFO sightings or feel
that they may be diminutive other-dimensional beings.
Cats suffering from greeblingz typically have wild-eyed
expressions. There is a minor danger of greeblingz
attaching themselves to humans; if a cat tackles such
greeblingz, injury to humans may result. A very few cats
are naturally immune.

Treatment: None known. Anti-epileptics are ineffective as
the condition appears unrelated to other forms of seizure.
Avoid getting in the way of a cat engaged in greebling
hunting. Attacks usually subside spontaneously, perhaps
as greeblingz return to their own dimension. These irritating
creatures are not visible to human eyes, but no doubt the
superior sight and hearing of cats enables them to see them.
Received on Fri Apr 4 08:19:35 2008