Oneliners ILIV & ILV

"Oneliners ILIV"

Two wrongs are only the beginning.

I suggest we sell New Orleans back to France as a "fixer-upper."

Sign pinned to army barracks door: "Shut the door, stupid! Not you, sir."

If you are too busy to laugh . . . you are too busy.

If you were agoraphobic, you'd be home by now.

There is always room for improvement. It's the largest room in the house.

The dollar is falling to the value of toilet paper.

To my sweetheart: My cooking's gotten better since I fondue.

Things are more like they are today than they've ever been before.

To vacillate or not to vacillate, that is the question ...
or is it?

If Tom DeLay is the moral compass of America, we are truly lost.

Say what you want, but the French are always there when they need us.

Most lying should be blamed on women. They insist on asking questions.

My family is very well adjusted. We have three chiropractors in the family.

The Vatican is against surrogate mothers. Good thing they didn't have
that rule when Jesus was born.

Blessed be those who initiate lively discussions with the hopelessly
mute, for they shall be known as dentists.

The only thing worse than people who tailgate are those people who won't
get out of my way when I get right behind them.

I belive in clubs for men - only after kindness fails.

Dieting is wishful shrinking.

Being cool, is not trying to be cool.

*************************************************

"Oneliners ILV"

To give anything less than your best is to sacrifice your gift.

Cosmetics: A woman's means for keeping a man from reading between the lines.

Never hire a colorblind electrician.

A tree never hits an automobile except in self-defence.

A teenager is a person who answers the phone in the middle of the first
ring.

I'm a pseudo-vegetarian. I only eat animals that only eat vegetables.

There has been an alarming increase in the number of things I know
nothing about.

I saw a bald eagle the other day. All of its feathers were combed over
to one side.

Benny: Who's your favorite fiction writer?
Murray: My accountant.

I invented a substance that can eat through anything, but I can't find a
place to store it!

An argument with my husband tends to make me want to clean something . . .
with his toothbrush.

The reason congressmen try so hard to get re-elected is that they would
hate to have to make a living under the laws they've passed.

You're only young once, but you can be immature forever.

It may not be your fault, but it's your problem.

My old boss, spelled backwards . . .
double s.o.b.

Am I getting older or is the supermarket playing great music?

The headlines nobody likes are wrinkles.

When I saw my first strands of gray hair I thought I'd dye!

Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined.

When women enter middle age, it gives men a pause.

Get noticeably fuller sexier lips in 90 seconds.
Movie Star lips anywhere anytime - right in your bag.
Received on Mon Jun 11 09:03:20 2007