Advice For Life?

"Advice For Life?"

Accept that some days you're the pigeon,
and some days you're the statue.

Always keep your words soft and sweet, just
in case you have to eat them.

Always read stuff that will make you look good
if you die in the middle of it.

Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot
at tax collectors, and miss.

Cooking lesson #1: don't fry bacon in the nude.

Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be
recalled by their maker.

Eat a live toad in the morning and nothing worse
will happen to you for the rest of the day.

If life gives you lemons, squeeze the juice into a
water gun and shoot other people in the eyes.

If you're not part of the solution, be part of the
problem!

If you can't be kind, at least have the decency
to be vague.

If you can't beat your computer at chess, try kick-
boxing.

If you lend someone $20, and never see that
person again, it was probably worth it.

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try
missing a couple of car payments.

If you try and don't succeed, cheat. Repeat until
caught. Then lie.

It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply
to serve as a warning to others.

Never buy a car you can't push.

Never eat yellow snow.

Never pet a burning dog.

Never put both feet in your mouth at the same
time, because then you don't have a leg to
stand on.

Never try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time
and annoys the pig.

Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up
and dance.

The early worm gets eaten by the bird, so sleep
late.

There are very few personal problems that cannot
be solved through a suitable application of high
explosives.

There are very few problems that cannot be solved
by orders ending with 'or die.' - Alistair J.R. Young

When everything's coming your way, you're in the
wrong lane.

You are what you eat. So stay away from the jerk
chicken.

Be nice to the nerds and geeks in high school --
you'll be working for them in the future.
Received on Mon Jan 22 16:24:23 2007