Updated Christmas Story

"Updated Christmas Story"
by "Marsha in Texas" <marsha@ccms.net <mailto:marsha%40ccms.net>>

And Joseph went up from Galilee to Bethlehem with Mary, his
espoused wife, who was great with child. And she brought forth a
Son and wrapped Him in swaddling clothes and laid Him in a manger
because there was no room for them in the inn. And the angel of
the Lord spoke to the shepherds and said; "I bring you tidings of
great joy. Unto you is born a Savior, which is Christ the Lord."
"There's a problem with the angel," said a Pharisee, who
happened to be strolling by. As he explained to Joseph, angels are
widely regarded as religious symbols, and the stable was on public
property, where such symbols were not allowed to land, or even
hover. "And I have to tell you, this whole thing looks to me very
much like a Nativity scene," he said sadly. "That's a no-no, too."
Joseph had a bright idea "What if I put a couple of reindeer over
there near the ox and the ass?" he said, eager to avoid sectarian strife.

"That would definitely help, said the Pharisee, who knew as
well as anyone that whenever a savior appeared, judges usually
liked to be on the safe side and surround it with deer or wood-
land creatures of some sort. "Just to clinch it, throw in a candy
cane and a couple of elves and snowmen, too." he said. "No court
can resist that!"

Mary asked, "What does my son's birth have to do with snow-men?"

"Snowpersons," cried a young woman, changing the subject
before it veered dangerously toward religion. Off to the side of
the crowd, a Philistine was painting the Nativity scene.

Mary complained that she and Joseph looked too tattered and worn in the
picture.

"Artistic license," he said. "I've got to show the plight of
the haggard homeless in a greedy, uncaring society in winter." he quipped.

"We're not haggard or homeless, the inn was just full," said Mary.

"Whatever," said the painter.

Two women began to argue fiercely. One said she objected to
Jesus' birth "Because it privileged motherhood." The other scoffed
at virgin births, but said that if they encouraged more attention
to diversity in family forms and the rights of single mothers,
well, then, she was all for them.

"I'm not a single mother, all Jewish women of my time are
called virgins during the first year of their marriage" Mary started
to say, but she was cut off by a third woman who insisted that
swaddling clothes are a form of child abuse, since they restrict
the natural movement of babies.

With the arrival of 10 child advocates, all trained to spot
infant abuse and manger rash, Mary and Joseph were pushed to
the edge of the crowd, where arguments were breaking out over
how many reindeer (or what mix of reindeer and seasonal sprites)
had to be installed to compensate for the infant's unfortunate religious
character.

An older man bustled up, bowling over two merchants, who had
been busy debating whether an elf is the same as a fairy and
whether the elf/fairy should be shaking hands with Jesus in the
crib or merely standing to the side, jumping around like a sports mascot.

"I'd hold off on the reindeer, the man said, explaining that
the use of asses and oxen as picturesque backdrops for Nativity
scenes carries the subliminal message of human dominance. He
passed out two leaflets, one denouncing manger births as
invasions of animal space, the other arguing that stables are
"penned environments" where animals are incarcerated against
their will. He had no opinion about elves or candy canes.

Signs declaring "Free the Bethlehem 2" began to appear,
referring to the obviously exploited ox and ass. Someone said the
halo on Jesus' head was elitist.

Mary was exasperated. "And what about you, old mother?" she
said sharply to an elderly woman. Are you here to attack the
shepherds as prison guards for excluded species, maybe to
complain that singing in Latin identifies us as Roman oppressors,
or just to say that I should have skipped patriarchal religiosity
and joined some dumb new-age goddess religion?"

"None of the above," said the woman, "I just wanted to tell
you that the Magi are here."

Sure enough, the three wise men rode up. The crowd gasped,

"They're all male!" And, "Not very multicultural!"

"Balthasar here is black," said one of the Magi.

"Yes, but how many of you are gay or disabled?" someone shouted.

A committee was quickly formed to find an impoverished
lesbian wise-person among the halt and lame of Bethlehem.

A calm voice said, "Be of good cheer, Mary, you have done
well and your son will change the world."

At last, a sane person, Mary thought. She turned to see a
radiant and confident female face. The woman spoke again, "There
is one thing, though, Religious holidays are important, but can't
we learn to celebrate them in ways that unite, not divide? For
instance, instead of all this business about 'Gloria in excelsis
Deo,' why not just 'Seasons Greetings'?"

Mary said, "You mean my son has entered human history to
deliver the message, 'Hello, it's winter?'"

"That's harsh, Mary," said the woman. "Remember, your son
could make it big in mid-winter festivals, if he doesn't push the
religion thing too far. Centuries from now, in nations yet unborn,
people will give each other pricey gifts and have big office
parties on his birthday. That's not chopped liver!"
Received on Sun Dec 23 07:49:08 2007