Oneliners XXXVI & XXXVII

"Oneliners XXXVI"

The trouble with life is there's no background
music.

Laughter is a tranquilizer with no side effects.

If evolution really works, how come mothers
only have two hands?

Terrorist memo: Bush is listening. Use big
words.

The universe is a figment of its own imagination.

A chrysanthemum by any other name would
be much easier to spell

The weather is here. Wish you were beautiful.

The value of a dog is its constant reminder
of how much fun it is to act idiotic.

There is no future in time travel.

Light bulb's love declaration: I love you a
whole watt!

I used to eat a lot of natural foods, until I
learned that most people die of natural
causes.

This country is rapidly proving to be a place
with two cars in every garage, neither of
them paid for.

Spring is wonderful. It makes you feel
young enough to do all the things you're
old enough, to know you can't.

The formula for a happy marriage is the
same as for living in California: when
you find a fault, don't dwell on it.

If I begin to procrastinate today instead of
tomorrow, would that be considered
self-improvement?

I sure miss the days when someone else
pumped your gas and checked your tires
for you. . . .and it was even cheaper back
then.

The poor person eats potato soup; the rich
person, vichyssoise.

If you can't read this, you're illiterate.

There is no elevator to success, you have
to take the stairs.

Humpty Dumpty had a great fall but winter
didn't look too promising.

**********************************************

"Oneliners XXXVII"

Women like silent men; they think they're
listening.

It's okay to have nothing to say . . . unless
you're talking.

Should we call real life the Outernet?

One of the most popular winter sports is
taking a plane to Florida.

The only thing a man's good for, he's not
very good at.

Harp: A nude Steinway.

They say dollar bills carry germs on them.
Even a germ couldn't live on a dollar these
days.

There are three stages of men's hair:
parted, unparted and departed.

If you can't see the bright side of life, there's
nothing to do but keep polishing the dull side.

Did you ever notice how the word "marriage"
is one vocal inflection away from mirage?

Nature does her best to teach us. The more
we overeat, the harder she makes it for us
to get close to the table.

One very fine thing about real life, it gets my
mind off all that suffering on television.

Russia offers to oversee Iran's nuclear
development? Is this the same Russia
of Chernobyl fame?

The test of courage comes when we are
  in the minority. The test of tolerance comes
when we are in the majority.

If you want a spouse who is smart, rich
and devoted, you're gonna have to get
married three times.

I believe there is something out there
watching us. Unfortunately, it's the
government.

There is only one thing worse then the flu
season ... the tax season. You can recover
from the flu.

The easiest way to make your old car run
better, is to check the prices of a new car.

I'm so old, I can remember a time when
we actually had three branches of federal
government.

Save a little money each month and at the
end of the year, you'll be surprised at how
little you have.
Received on Mon Sep 25 01:06:26 2006