Oneliners XXXVIII & XXXIX

"Oneliners XXXVIII"

In an underdeveloped country, don't drink
the water. In a developed country, don't
breathe the air.

The Joint Chief of Staffs should hold all
future meetings in Baghdad until the last
soldier leaves Iraq. That should speed
things up.

Originality is the fine art of remembering
what you hear but forgetting where you
heard it

America's faith in the future is best shown
by the huge debt it expects the next
generation to pay off.

A friend will always tell you exactly what
she thinks so I guess that makes me
friends with everyone.

Just because I don't care doesn't mean
I don't understand.

Meandering to a different drummer.

Live your life as an exclamation, not an
explanation.

I'm going to put all my money in taxes.
They're sure to go up.

How people treat you is their karma; how
you react is yours.

Me, a skeptic? I hope you have proof.

Living on Earth is expensive, but it does
include a free trip around the sun.

You should not confuse your career
with your life.

When I finished school, I took one of
those career aptitude tests, and based
on my verbal ability score, they suggested
I become a mime.

The Iraqis are gradually gaining their
freedom, while we're slowly losing ours.

Life is a banquet which should be enjoyed
with relish - except for dessert, which should
be enjoyed with chocolate.

It's a cat's world . . . and we're just here to
open the cans.

Climate is what we expect, weather is what
we get.

A beauty is a woman you notice; a charmer
is one who notices you.

An Iraqi moderate is one who has run out
of ammunition.

*************************************************

"Oneliners XXXIX"

Why do they have the back pain medicine
on the bottom shelf at the pharmacy?

There's one in every crowd and they always
find me.

The tongue weighs practically nothing, but
so few people can hold it.

I'm offended by political jokes. Too often
they get elected

Save a cow - eat a vegetarian.

A good scapegoat is nearly as welcome
as a solution to the problem.

If a tree falls in the forest with no one to
hear it, who will notify the next of kindling?

Ever notice how kids learn to drive a car in
no time, but cannot understand the workings
of the lawn mower, snow blower, or vacuum
cleaner?

You've just wasted your time reading this
sentence. If you read this sentence,
you've just wasted twice as much time!

So how do I pick a president? Much the
same way I choose a driver to the airport.
Which one will cost me the least, and
not get me killed

Youth is when you blame all your problems
on your parents; maturity is when you learn
that everything is the fault of the younger
generation,

Why don't you slip into something more
comfortable; like a coma...

Never go to bed angry; stay up and plot
your revenge...

Don't believe everything you think.

Have a nice day ...someplace else.

Society will ignore almost any form of
unacceptable public behavior except
getting into the express line with two
extra items.

One of the many advantages of being
a tall woman is that fewer people can
tell when you're starting to go gray.

Anyone who wants to steal my identity
can have it. I'll bet they return it within
24 hours.

At my age, I don't mind all my laugh lines.
I just wish I could remember what the
heck was so funny.

When we hear that a doctor lost a patient,
why don't we assume that the patient got
well?
Received on Mon Oct 9 01:28:42 2006