Oneliners XXX & XXXI

"Oneliners XXX"

If you want your spouse to listen and pay
strict attention to every word you say...
talk in your sleep.

You know the kids are growing up when
your daughter begins to put on lipstick
and your son starts to wipe it off.

Marriage is like a horse with a broken
leg. You can shoot it, but that still
doesn't fix the leg!

Q: What's the only thing divorce proves?
A: Whose mother was right in the first place.

Be nice to clones. They are people two.

You should be kinder to smokers because
they don't have long to live.

Ladies first. Pretty ladies sooner.

If you can make 'em laugh, you can make
'em think.

The hardest thing to do is one thing at a
time.

If we can drug test our students, can we
also drug test our legislators?

Free yourself from the good opinion of
others.

I'd rather be poor and generous than
rich and cheap.

After a nice long vacation, nothing quite
says "welcome home" like that first gush
of brown water out of the faucet.

Right now, as you read this,17 Million
Americans are having SEX . . . and
you're on the computer!

I hope Costco never gets into the organ
transplant business. Hey, who really
needs a 24-pack of kidneys?

Marriage is like the army. Everybody
complains but not surprising, many
re-enlist.

The aging process could be slowed
down, if it had to work its way through
Congress.

A smart Husband:
One who thinks twice before saying nothing.

I have two friends who help people with
problems. One is a psychiatrist and the
other is a bartender.

He who throws mud, loses ground.

******************************************

"Oneliners XXXI"

Children aren't happy with nothing to ignore,
And that's what parents were created for.

What do you call someone who has just
printed 1000 puns off the Internet?
Well e-quipped.

Headline: Two Convicts Evade Noose,
Jury Hung

I am an agnostic pagan. I doubt the
existence of many g~ds.

If a man asks what sort of books you're
interested in, tell him checkbooks.

People who live in glass houses will have
pictures of themselves show up on the Internet.

He who hesitate pays less for his computer
than you did.

If you can't say something nice about a person
start a web site.

My friend specializes in Mohawk haircuts. He
doesn't do it for a living though. He just cuts
hair on the side.

Learn from the nail, Its head keeps it from
going too far.

Secrets are what we tell everybody else not
to tell anybody.

Have you ever noticed that from the air,
Yankee Stadium looks like a big bedpan?

I'm paranoid. On my stationary bike, I have
a rear view mirror.

When you're trying something new, fewer
people who know about it, the better.

One thing has always troubled me: Where
did Noah put the termites?

A sinner can reform but stupid is forever.

In marriage a warm heart seldom
compensates for cold hands.

Late night TV is very educational. You
realize you should have gone to bed
earlier.

If some people said what they thought,
they'd be speechless.

Never mistake asthma for passion.

Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can
be recalled by their maker.
Received on Mon Mar 20 10:22:39 2006