One Woman's Tale of Woe

"One Woman's Tale of Woe"

All hair removal methods have tricked women
with their promises of easy, painless removal -
The epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...
the wax.

My night began as any other normal weeknight.
Come home, fix dinner, play with the kids. I then
had the thought that would ring painfully in my
mind for the next few hours: "Maybe I should
pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet."
So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom.

It was one of those "cold wax" kits. No melting a
clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together
in your hand, they get warm and you peel them
apart and press them to your leg (or wherever
else) and you pull the hair right off. No muss, no
fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius,
but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure
this out. (YA THINK!?!)

So I pull one of the thin strips out. It's two strips
facing each overstock together. Instead of rubbing
them together, my genius kicks in so I get out the
hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. ("Cold wax,"
yeah...right!) I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the
skin around it tight and pull. It works! OK, so it wasn't
the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this!
Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-rah,
fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth
skin extraordinary.

With my next wax strip I move north. After checking
on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom, for the
ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop my
panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the
same procedure, I apply the was strip across the
right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of
my v*gina and stretching down to the inside of my
butt cheek (Yes, it was a long strip) I inhale deeply
and brace myself....RRRRIIIPPP!!!!

I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!....OH MY G~D!!!!!!!!!
Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to
pull off half the strip.

CRAP!!! Another deep breath and RRIIPP!! Everything
is swirly and spotted. I think I may pass out...must
stay conscious...Do I hear crashing drums???
Breathe, breathe...OK, back to normal.

I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one
that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt
sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my
triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip! There's no
hair on it. Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX???

Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the
toilet. I see the hair. The hair that should be on the
strip. I touch. I am touching wax. CRAP! I run my fingers
over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now
covered in cold wax and matted hair.

Then I make the next BIG mistake...remember my foot
is still propped up on the toilet? I know I need to do
something. So I put my foot down.
DAMN!!!!!!!! I hear the slamming of a cell door. V*gina?
Sealed shut! Butt?? Sealed shut!

I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure
out what to do and think to myself "Please don't let
me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off!" What
can I do to melt the wax? Hot water!! Hot water melts
wax!!

I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub,
get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax
should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right???
*WRONG!!!!!!!*

I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that
used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical
equipment - I sit. Now, the only thing worse than
having your nether regions glued together, is having
them glued together and then glued to the bottom of
the tub...in scalding hot water. Which, by the way,
doesn't melt cold wax. So, now I'm stuck to the bottom
of the tub as though I had cement-epoxied myself to
the porcelain!! G~d bless the man who had convinced
me a few months ago to have a phone put in the
bathroom!!!!!

I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before
and has some secret of how to get me undone. It's
a very good conversation starter - "So, my butt and
who-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!"

There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any
secret tricks for removal but she does try to hide
her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly
where the wax is located, "Are we talking cheeks
or hole or who-ha?"

She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I
give her the rundown and she suggests I call the
number on the side of the box. YEAH!!!!! Right!!
I should be the joke of someone else's night. While
we go through various solutions. I resort to scraping
the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels better then to
have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued
shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then
dry-shaving the sticky wax off!! By now the brain is
not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm
pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress
counseling for this event.

My friend is still talking with me when I finally see
my saving grace....the lotion they give you to remove
the excess wax. What do I really have to lose at this
point? I rub some on and OH MY G~D!!!!!!!

The scream probably woke the kids and scared the
dickens out of my friend. It's sooo painful, but I really
don't care. "IT WORKS!! It works!!" I get a hearty
congratulation from my friend and she hangs up.

I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and
then notice to my grief and despair....THE HAIR IS
STILL THERE.......ALL OF IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!. So I recklessly
shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts.
I could have amputated my own leg at this point.

Next week I'm going to try hair color......
Received on Thu Jun 22 23:34:03 2006