Santa - a Guy?

"Santa Groaners"

What do they call Santa's helpers?
Subordinate Clauses

What do you call Santa Clause after he's fallen
into a fireplace?
Krisp Kringle.

Who sings "Love Me Tender" and makes
Christmas toys?
Santa's little Elvis.

Which of Santa's reindeers needs to mind his
manners the most?
"Rude"olph.

Where do Santa's reindeers like to stop for lunch?
Deery Queen.

What do you call the fear of getting stuck while
sliding down a chimney?
Santa Claus-trophbia.

The 4 stages of man: He believes in Santa
Claus. He doesn't believe in Santa Claus.
He is Santa Claus. He looks like Santa Claus.

What nationality is Santa Claus?
North Polish

What do you call a bunch of Grandmasters of
chess bragging about their games in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.

How do sheep in Mexico say Merry Christmas?
Fleece Navidad

What do you get when you cross a snowman
with a vampire?
Frostbite.

What do you get when you cross an archer
with a gift-wrapper?
Ribbon hood.

Why was Santa's little helper depressed?
Because he had low elf esteem.

*********************************************

"Santa - a Guy?"

I think Santa Claus is a woman....

I hate to be the one to defy myth, but I believe
he's a she.

Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm,
fuzzy, nurturing social deal, and I have a tough time
believing a guy could possibly pull it all off!

For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think
about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. It's as if
they are all frozen in some kind of Ebenezerian Time
Warp until 3 p.m. on Dec. 24th, when they--with amazing
calm--call other errant men and plan for a last-minute
shopping spree.

Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find
only Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and mood
rings left on the shelves. (You might think this would
send them into a fit of panic and guilt, but my
husband tells me it's an enormous relief because it
lessens the 11th hour decision-making burden.) On
this count alone, I'm convinced Santa is a woman.

Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe
would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating
musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the bag.

Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there.
First of all, there would be no reindeer because they
would all be strapped on to the rear bumper of the
sleigh, amid wide-eyed, desperate claims that buck
season had been extended. Blitzen's rack would
already be on the way to the taxidermist.

Even if the male Santa DID have reindeer, he'd still
have transportation problems because he would
inevitably get lost up there in the snow and clouds
and then refuse to stop and ask for directions.

Add to this the fact that there would be unavoidable
delays in the chimney, where the Bob Vila-like Santa
would stop to inspect and repoint bricks in the flue.
He would also need to check for carbon monoxide
fumes in every gas fireplace, and get under every
Christmas tree that is crooked to straighten it to a
perfectly upright 90-degree angle.

Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man:
~ Men can't pack a bag.
~ Men would rather be dead than caught wearing
red velvet.
~ Men would feel their masculinity is threatened,
having to be seen with all those elves.
~ Men don't answer their mail.
~ Men would refuse to allow their physique to be
described even in jest as anything remotely
resembling a "bowlful of jelly."
~ Men aren't interested in stockings unless
somebody's wearing them.
~ Finally, being responsible for Christmas would
require a commitment.

I can buy the fact that other mythical holiday characters
are men.

Father Time shows up once a year unshaven and
looking ominous. Definitely a guy. Cupid flies
around carrying weapons. Uncle Sam is a politician
who likes to point fingers. Any one of these individuals
could pass the testosterone screening test.

But not St. Nick.

Not a chance.
Received on Mon Dec 25 21:57:51 2006