Christmas Warning

"Christmas Warning"

To: All Concerned

I regret to inform you that, effective immediately,
I will no longer serve the States of Georgia, Florida,
Virginia, North and South Carolina, Tennessee,
Mississippi,Texas, and Arkansas on Christmas Eve.

Due to the overwhelming current population of the
Earth, my contract was renegotiated by North American
Fairies and Elves Local 209. As part of the new and
better contract I also get longer breaks for milk and
cookies so keep that in mind.

However, I'm certain that your children will be in good
hands with your local replacement, who happens to
be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the
family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of
delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however,
there are a few differences between us.

Differences such as:

1. There is no danger of the Grinch stealing your
presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on
his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads:"These
toys insured by Smith and Wesson."

2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers
that children leave an RC cola and pork rinds [or a
moon pie] on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn't smoke
a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have
an empty spit can handy.

3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin'
coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of
loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time, and
Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.

4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner
and Blitzen.." when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead,
you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Labonte, on Elliott
and Andretti."

5. "Ho, Ho, Ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!"
And you also are likely to hear Bubba's elves respond,
"I her'd dat!"

6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba
Claus' sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety
triangle on the back with the words "Back Off."

7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as
"Miracle on 34th Street" and "It's a Wonderful Life"
will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area.
Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas"
and "Smokey and the Bandit IV" featuring Burt
Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state
patrol cars crashing into each other.

And Finally,

8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you,
I'd make sure you, the wife, and the kids turn the
other way when he bends over to put presents
under the tree.

Sincerely Yours,

Santa Claus
Received on Sun Dec 24 08:20:39 2006