Oneliners XVIII & XIX

"Oneliners XVIII"

Always keep several get well cards on the mantel.
If unexpected guests arrive, they'll think you've
been sick and unable to clean.

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they
asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, "What
do you need?"

NASA reports that galaxies are speeding away
from earth at 90,000 miles a second. What do you
suppose they know that we don't?

I asked my mailman why my letters were all wet...
he said "postage dew".

Don't ever take a fence down until you know why
it was put up.

The only thing that wakes you up faster than coffee
is spilled coffee.

A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're
in deep water.

Odd that when a house burns down, the only things
left standing are the chimney and the fireplace.

Only in America do we shop at places with limited
parking, overpriced items, and long lines and
insultingly, call them convenience stores.

We"re going to have a terrorist attack, but we don't
know where or when. I think you could say the same
thing about tornadoes.

I went to see Pavarotti once and I'll tell you this
much, he doesn't like it when you join in.

How dangerous could a fax be, if the pen is mightier
than the sword and a picture is worth a thousand
words.

My husband has suggested a candlelight dinner at
home for our anniversary. Is he being romantic or
just cheap?

A perfect summer day is when the sun is shining,
the breeze is blowing, the birds are singing and
the lawn mower is broken.

There are two types of roads in our country. One
is under construction and the other is under repair.

The president has said that inflation has been arrested.
He should check . . . I think it's out on bail.

The next time you pay your property taxes, remember
every local politician who went to Hawaii on your dime.

You know times are tough when the school system is
recruiting school bus drivers in the lobby of traffic court.

Yesterday is experience, tomorrow is hope, today is
getting from one to the other.

When life seems like an uphill climb, take comfort in
the fact that you're mooning everyone behind you.

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"Oneliners XIX"

People with true character show it when nobody else
is present.

Anything worth taking seriously is worth making fun of.

When you get older, lack of pep is often mistaken for
patience.

What will today's younger generation tell their children
they had to do "without"?

The one item you want is never the one on sale.

Gas now costs more than milk!

As a child, I was the kind my mother wouldn't let me
play with.

If you're doing the speed limit, you're in the way.

People never grow up; they just learn how to act in public.

No matter how bad it gets, I'm rich at the dollar store.

My country invaded Iraq, and all I got was this expensive
gasoline....

You've got to spend money to lose money.

Hermits have no peer pressure

Never trust a story that has been told more
than twice.

It could be worse: there could be 35 teachers
for every student.

A promise is a debt.

It is not the lofty sails but the unseen wind that
moves the ship.

A clean tie attracts the soup of the day.

If something is confidential, it will be left in the copier
machine.

Ditch the driving test for an I.Q. test.
Received on Mon Oct 24 01:08:49 2005