Oneliners XVI & XVII

"Oneliners XVI"

A grown-up is someone who suffers from
responsibility.

They who are afraid to ask are ashamed
of learning.

Blessed are those who can give without
remembering and take without forgetting.

Sermons and biscuits are improved by shortening.

If men knew what women laughed about, they would
never sleep with us.

If your parachute doesn't open up for you, you've
obviously jumped to a conclusion.

If we knew what we were doing it wouldn't be called
research.

Sign in a travel agency window: "Please go away."

Hummingbirds have forgotten the words.

If you can buy a person's friendship, it is not worth it.

Humility is such an elusive thing. Just when you think
you've got it, you've lost it.

I'd never make it on one of those Survivor shows.
Every time I even think about eating something like
caterpillars, I get butterflies in my stomach.

Change is good as long as I don't have to do
anything differently.

People who are wrapped up in themselves are
overdressed.

Coincidence is just an euphemism for conspiracy.

George Washington's brother was the uncle of
our country.

It's neither conservative nor liberal to be anti-war.
It's humanitarian.

I tried phone s-e-x - it gave me an ear infection.

Life is like a doughnut. You're either in the dough
or in the hole.

When Wal-Mart builds stores in China, will they
sell only items imported from the United States?

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"Oneliners XVII"

It's not the extreme right or left that will take us to
hell in a hand basket. It's the vast, indifferent middle.

There is nothing more prideful than the humility
of a proud person.

It's what you learn, after you know it all, that counts.

Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the
national debt.

We have the highest standard of living in the world.
Too bad we can't afford it.

Support your local undertaker - Drop Dead!

If I have moles in my back yard, am I the victim of
a molestation?

Anything too stupid to be said . . . is usually sung.

The only good thing about being imperfect is the joy
it brings to others.

No amount of darkness can hide a spark of light.

When in doubt, cop an attitude.

To heck with the Mideast, time to invade Aruba.

When standing up for your rights, don't step on the
other fellow's toes.

Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.

If you enter the ocean, you've entered the food chain.

An aquarium is interactive television for cats.

You now only own your property at the whim of the
government.

Grape Nuts is not a venereal disease.

I've spent most of my life golfing. The rest I've just
wasted.

The only two who can live as cheaply as one these
days are a dog and a flea.
Received on Mon Oct 10 09:18:41 2005