Pastoral Candidates {Insp}

"Pastoral Candidates"

The following is a confidential report on several
candidates being considered for our church leader.

Adam: Good man but problems with his wife. Also
one reference told of how his wife and he enjoy
walking nude in the woods.

Noah: Former pastorate of 120 years with not even
one convert. Prone to unrealistic building projects.

Abraham: Though the references reported wife-swapping,
the facts seem to show he never slept with another man's
wife, but did offer to share his own wife with another man.

Joseph: A big thinker, but a braggart, believes in dream-
interpreting, and has a prison record.

Moses: A modest and meek man, but poor communicator,
even stuttering at times. Sometimes blows his stack and
acts rashly. Some say he left an earlier church over a
murder charge.

David:_The most promising leader of all until we discovered
the affair he had with his neighbor's wife.

Solomon: Great preacher but our parsonage would never
hold all those wives.

Elijah: Prone to depression. Collapses under pressure.

Elisha: Reported to have lived with a single widow while
at his former church.

Hosea: A tender and loving pastor but our people could
never handle his wife's occupation.

Deborah: Strong leader and seems to be anointed, but
she is female.

Jeremiah: Emotionally unstable, alarmist, negative,
always lamenting things, reported to have taken a long
trip to bury his underwear on the bank of a foreign river.

Isaiah: On the fringe? Claims to have seen angels in
church. Has trouble with his language.

Jonah: Refused G~d's call into ministry until he was
forced to obey by getting swallowed up by a great fish.
He told us the fish later spit him out on the shore near
here. We hung up.

Amos: Too backward and unpolished. With some seminary
training he might have promise, but has a hang-up against
wealthy people--might fit in better in a poor congregation.

Melchizedek: Great credentials at current work place, but
where does this guy come from? No information on his
resume about former work records. Every line about
parents was left blank and he refused to supply a birth date.
(This aside from Les: Ancient Jewish tradition has it that
Melchizedek is really Shem. If you check out the life span
of Shem in the Bible, it seems to be true!)

John: Says he is a Baptist, but definitely doesn't dress like
one. Has slept in the outdoors for months on end, has a
weird diet, and provokes denominational leaders.

Peter: Too blue collar. Has a bad temper-even has been
known to curse. Had a big run-in with Paul in Antioch.
Aggressive, but a loose cannon.

Paul: Powerful CEO type leader and fascinating preacher.
However, short on tact, unforgiving with younger ministers,
harsh and has been known to preach all night.

James & John: Package deal preacher & associate
seemed good at first, but found out they have an ego
problem regarding other fellow workers and seating
positions. Threatened an entire town after an insult.
Also known to try to discourage workers who didn't follow
along with them.

Timothy: Too young!

Methuselah: Too old . . . WAY too old!

Jesus: Has had popular times, but once his church grew
to 5000 he managed to offend them all, and then this
church dwindled down to twelve people. Seldom stays
in one place very long. And, of course, he's single.

Judas: His references are solid. A steady plodder.
Conservative. Good connections. Knows how to handle
money. We're inviting him to preach this Sunday.
Possibilities here.
Received on Sun Oct 31 01:44:34 2004