Etiquette and Decency, 1-8

"Intercourse Etiquette and Decency"

1) NOT KISSING FIRST.
Avoiding her lips and diving straight for the erogenous
zones makes her feel like you're paying by the hour
and trying to get your money's worth by cutting out
nonessentials. A proper passionate kiss is the
ultimate form of foreplay (BUT BY NO MEANS
THE ONLY ONE!).

2) BLOWING TOO HARD IN HER EAR.
Admit it, some kid at school told you girls love this.
Well, there's a difference between being erotic and
blowing as if you're trying to extinguish the candles
on your 50th birthday cake. Knock it off!

3) NOT SHAVING.
You often forget you have a porcupine strapped to
your chin which you rake repeatedly across your
partner's face and thighs. When she turns her head
from side to side, it's not passion, it's pain damn it!

4) SQUEEZING HER BREAST.
Most men act like a housewife testing a melon for
ripeness when they get their hand on a pair. Stroke,
caress, and sooth them.

5) BITING HER NIPPLES.
Why do men fasten onto a woman's nipples, then
clamp down like they're trying to deflate her body via
her breasts? Nipples are highly sensitive. They can't
stand up to chewing. Lick and suck them gently.
Flicking your tongue across them is good. Pretending
they're a doggie toy is not.

6) TWIDDLING HER NIPPLES.
Stop doing that thing where you twiddle the nipples
between finger and thumb like you're trying to find
a radio station in a hilly area. Focus on the whole
breasts, not just the exclamation points.

7) IGNORING THE OTHER PARTS OF HER BODY.
A woman is not a highway with just three turnoffs:
Breastville East and West, and the Midtown Tunnel.
There are vast areas of her body which you've
ignored far too often as you go bombing straight into
downtown Vagina. So start paying them some attention!

8) GETTING THE HAND TRAPPED.
Poor manual dexterity in the underskirt region can
result in tangled fingers and underpants. If you're
going to be that aggressive, just ask her to take the
damn things off.
Received on Mon Nov 1 02:09:31 2004