Dear Dogs

Dear Dogs

When I say to move, it means go someplace else,
not switch positions with each other so there are
still two dogs in the way.

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain
your food. The other dishes are mine and contain
my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the
middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim
for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that
aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by Nascar and is not
a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the
object. Tripping me doesn't help, because I fall faster
than you can run.

I can not buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I
am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue
to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort. Look
at videos of dogs sleeping, they can actually curl up
in a ball. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to
each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible.
I also know that sticking tails straight out and having
tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space
used is nothing but doggy sarcasm.

When I am playing the pinball machine, jumping up
and trying to grab the ball through the glass is not
helpful. Barking at me because I'm not helping you
achieve your goal does not win you any extra brownie
points.

My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the
bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and
manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to
claw, whine, try to turn the knob, or get your paw
under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must
exit through the same door I entered. In addition, I
have been using bathrooms for years, canine
attendance is not mandatory.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell other
dogs butt. I can not stress this enough. It would be
such a simple change for you guys to make.
Received on Mon Jan 5 22:49:19 2004